Hi Chris,
I have found myself in the strangest relationship. To begin with, my boyfriend was overly romantic. He completely swept me off my feet, and we quickly formed a huge connection.
The sex was simply unbelievable, the best I ever had. I was close to thinking I had finally found the one! But then, all of a sudden, he changed. Now he is cold, forever playing mind games, and disappears for days on end.
When I try to talk to him about it, I end up feeling that everything is my fault. But the moment I suggest we should end things, he is perfect again! But only for a day or two. I am totally confused. What am I doing wrong?
Strange Relationship
Chris says,
Hi Strange Relationship!
You are not doing anything wrong. You have unknowingly fallen for someone with an anti-social personality disorder.
Of all the world’s liars and cheats, they are the real experts. Actually, we are all somewhere on the antisocial personality spectrum, mostly scoring a harmless 10 per cent.
But above 75 per cent and you are probably reading this in jail. Approaching 30 per cent of the prison population score high, and so do surprising numbers of high flying political and business leaders.
The highest scorers have no regard for the rights of others and are deceitful and manipulative. They feel no guilt or remorse and can commit the worst crimes imaginable. But the majority never actually break any laws and just go through life wreaking havoc on others.
They are intelligent and can be utterly charming. But there is no loyalty, love, trust, empathy or commitment. So they can never sustain successful relationships.
Though they are truly brilliant seducers, as you have experienced. Spectacularly romantic and instantly creating a sense of deep connection. But really, they are just sucking up your identity and playing it back to you. Asking deeply personal questions far too soon, and playing on every fantasy you have ever had.
And sex for them is way different from yours and mine. It is all about boosting their ego, avoiding boredom, or taking advantage of someone.
They are usually highly promiscuous and into thrills and novelty, but their lovemaking will feel amazing. Because they know exactly how to please you. But for them it is not an emotional experience, it is an act. They are just skillfully pressing all the right buttons.
Once you are hooked, everything changes. The cold, abusive and endless mind games begin. They withhold sex and give you the silent treatment.
Disappearing for days at a time. And somehow, it is always your fault. In reality, they are off searching for their next target. But when they see any sign that indicates you might be thinking of moving on, they turn on the charm again, briefly so. So in your confusion, you stick around.
Do not! Get out now! Leave without a forwarding address. That may be difficult and may be followed by harassment, stalking and threats, so get help. Spend time with your family, and talk to a counsellor. But go. Because your boyfriend has no feelings and is actively enjoying destroying yours.
All the best,
Chris