I have been married for nine years and have been blessed with a son. However, my husband has never gone to my parents and only visits home when there is a function. Since I am jobless, he has always taken advantage, often beating and insulting me at will. For two years, I have been in a relationship with another man who wants to marry me as a second wife. He has made arrangements to meet my family and pay dowry and he even has identified a house he wants to buy for me. He really loves me and he is the one I want to be with as my life has been hell. He has accepted my son and I think he is serious about marrying me. My parents don’t have a problem and have accepted to meet him. Please advise me on what to do...{Waceke}
Your Take:
Waceke, you seem to be chasing two birds with one stone and they say that a devil you know is better than the angel you do not know. If he wants to marry you then he should do things the right way otherwise, he will dump you as soon as you get pregnant.
Do you know his HIV status? You also need to know if you will be able to go back to the father of your child if things don't work out. {Onyango Outha}
Go ahead with this because in this life, there is no rehearsal. Go for what makes you happy because if he wants to meet your parents, then he is serious with you.
{Mcokoth Nan}
You are wondering whether to be a second wife to the man or not. I can assure you that you will not be the last but this does not mean you will not be happy. If this man is genuine in what he is telling you then you are getting late in saying yes to him because by all logic the man with whom you currently stay is the father of your son but not your husband.
{Tasma Charles}
Marriage is not only defined by a church wedding; the law recognizes even come we stay arrangements as a customary marriage. With what you are doing, you are committing the offence of bigamy. You can't be in more than one marriage at the same time.
You are interested in him because he wants to pay your dowry, buy you a house and even loves your son. These are just rose flowers and as the saying goes, behind every rose flower, there is a thorn.
You are focusing too much on material wealth so open your eyes and appreciate that nine years is not a short time. Take care of your marriage otherwise, you won't realize the importance of your little finger until you lose it.
{Ouma Ragumo, Sifuyo}
I don't see you getting anywhere with this man. Try and sort things out in your current marriage because it is better a bird in hand than two in the bush. Be faithful to him and be a good wife and someday he will change and be good to you.
{Alphonses Ndolo}
You may be getting married to two men at the same time. Think twice before making this dangerous decision. This other man is married so you are forcing yourself to him because of his wealth. I pray that you will not be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Be prayerful and talk to your husband well and he will change, for with God nothing is impossible.
{Pastor Ben Shikuku}
Counselor’s Take:
Waceke, you are treading a very thin line and this has potential to explode into something that can either work miracles for you or leave you so stranded and desperate that the life you are living now will seem like a vacation in Mauritius. It is important to understand what is really going on here starting with his perceptions about this then considering yours.
First, have you ascertained why he is interested in taking you as a second wife? It is generally unlikely that a man would consider taking a second wife who has a child with another man. Does he have children in the other marriage?
Is he willing to face the imminent risks he will be exposed to when your current husband finds out about this? For a man, the place that hurts most is “their women”. I am not pre-empting anything but if simple extra-marital affairs have gotten people killed, can you imagine what potential this would have?
Then on your side, have you considered what it will mean to go into a new family as a second wife with a son from another marriage? It is already difficult for a young girl to be married as a second wife so this uncomfortable situation is only bound to escalate.
Unless he does not have any children and this is what he is seeking in you then your position in the new family will always be challenged. This is even on the basis that you left another man to get married to their son, what guarantees do they have that you will not do the same to their son?
You ought to carefully consider this because by leaving your current marriage, you will effectively be losing something that is equivalent to a “birth-right”. Being a second wife is not as easy as people portray it to be.
In addition, sometimes we jump from the frying pan and straight into the fire; do you have a fall-back plan in the event things go wrong? Remember when dowry is paid, it will no longer be about you but a clan issue. This means that you will not have the privilege of walking away from the marriage as and when you want. This is indeed a big risk you are taking and these often have higher returns but they also have potential to destroy and leave you many times worse off. Lastly, the current marriage you are in is recognised by law as a marriage so it can be easily challenged so beware.{Taurus}