Dear Eve,
I am 40 years of age and my sex life is just boring. My hubby is not as fun to be with in bed; he has made me hate even the thought of sleeping with him. I don't know if it's because of contraceptives but I can stay even a month without him touching me. I have resorted to watching porn and I feel just fine. What can I do?
Anne
Dear Anne,
Thank you for writing me with this question. Let's explore some reasons why your sex life isn't satisfactory to you at the moment, and what you can do to contribute to the kind of sex life you would like to have.
Age:
No, I'm not calling you old. I would like, however, to suggest to you that it's possible that you could be in perimenopause, the stage that comes right before menopause. As we get older, our ovaries produce lower doses of the hormones that are responsible for our sex drive. If this rings true for you, please see your gynecologist and be honest with them about what you're experiencing so they can help. While there, please do discuss the kind of contraceptive that you're taking, especially if you already suspect that it could be affecting your enthusiasm for sex. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that hormonal birth control for women over 40 years old is to be taken seriously and only undertaken with the knowledge and support of your doctor.
Attitude:
The first thing you said was, "my sex life is boring". My dear Anne, no one wants to have boring sex with a boring partner. Right now, per your question, your hubby is the boring one. Allow me to ask a pointed question: what if you are the boring one? Or what if you too are boring? In other words, boring tends to beget boring. The good news is, the opposite is usually true; get excited and you're bound to attract excitement. Even if hubby is Mr. Boring in the bedroom, start planting seeds of fun and excitement, beginning with your narrative. Instead of "my sex life is boring", how about "I'm going to start having great sex. Bring. It. On!" In other words, the mind is the biggest and best sex organ so use it!
Lose the crutches!
Porn is one such crutch. I know that it's controversial and I won't get into it right now. What really concerns me about your use of it is that you're using it to escape or cope with your real sex life. Blaming is another crutch and the opposite of hot sex. It really is. Even when our partners are not necessarily pulling their weight, we still don't benefit from proving that it's all their fault that we're not enjoying sex with them. When you say "My hubby is not as fun to be with in bed; he has made me hate even the thought of sleeping with him", you basically exclude yourself from the situation, from the problem, from the solution, and ultimately from the benefits of choosing and staying on the #OperationFunSexLife lane. Again, I'm not disputing your husband's less than stellar performance – per your description. I'm simply suggesting that you view yourself through the same lens that you have been viewing him. Would you want to have sex with yourself as you are today? If he had written to me, would he say the same things about you? I ask because taking ownership – while harder on our feelings and egos – is often the space in which we can learn, grow, benefit and get the most of what we want. Please note, I am not suggesting that you blame yourself for issues that are not your own either; I'm suggesting that you remove the blame and make an honest assessment of things as they really are, minus the blame.
What now?
Well, this really depends on the results of your honest self assessment, and that of your husband. Here are just a few ideas to get you started.
Loosen up!
I mean this literally. Sex is a game. Sex is about having fun. Can you imagine playing your favorite sport with a stern or bored attitude? How would that even work out? Probably impossible, right? Relax in the knowledge that you have several things working in your favor; you have a healthy sex drive, you have a husband who was fun in bed at some point, and you have a high enough desire for a more exciting sex life to write me about it. Another way to loosen up is to increase your sexual availability; sleep naked, wear loose fitting clothes when just with him, get used to seeing and feeling yourself as sensual. Be cheeky, be naughty and be curious. Ask yourself, "what's something naughty that I can do right now to/with him?" and then go for it.
Find the positives
Anne, make it your business to look for the things that are good. Maybe the sex itself (intercourse) is boring but how is his oral sex game? How about his kissing? Cuddling? It's statistically impossible for someone to be 100% good or bad, so begin to look for the good no matter how hard you feel you have to search. Next, seek out more of that goodness. If he gives great hugs, make a point to hug him daily. It could be the first/last thing of the day, it could be random, you may even have to ask for it. I'm suggesting that you look for ways to connect on what's good instead of ignoring it and abandoning it because other pieces are missing for you.
Push boundaries
Have fun with clothes on. I know this sounds paradoxical but do it anyway. Make it a point to enjoy his company with clothes on. In fact, you may have to go as far as taking sex off the table for a little while. Sometimes, the desire for great sex becomes the desire for perfect, amazing, over-the-top sex 100 per cent of the time. C'est pas possible. On the other hand, push boundaries by going on a sex marathon (sexathon?) for 30 days. You can both decide what sex acts shall be performed when intercourse wouldn't be realistic or possible. The rule is: no excuses. 1hr sex or 2 minute sex, this choice says that you're willing to commit to 30 days of all/any kind of sex.
Remember GES:
Finally, remember that there is such a thing as GES: Good Enough Sex. The idea here is that sex need not be over-the-top, 'just like in the movies' sex to be considered "fun". You get to decide what "fun" is and then you get to walk the interesting/ frustrating/ funny/ romantic/ awkward/ rewarding road that leads to 'sex funville' for you.
I hope you walk away with renewed hope that you can and will enjoy your sex life once more.
Maggie Gitu is a marriage, family and sex therapist. Reach her on: gitumaggie@gmail.com or via her