Few life lessons on how to handle wrangles with your spouse

I have a friend preparing to wed in December, and after I refused Maid of Honour duties (a story for another day), we agreed I'd be there to sign her marriage certificate. So I've generally been in the loop with all her planning ups and downs. The other day she sent me a cryptic text message: I'm so tired of this. I don't even know why we are getting married.

Now, the men should pay attention because this is a learning point. Women love to speak in hints, so a text message like this is an open invitation to call back and ask her what is wrong. It is like someone who is planning to commit suicide and then they announce it.

They have no intention of doing it; your job is to talk them down off the ledge. So when your woman sends you weird messages, don't try to understand them, just call her and be sympathetic.

And so I cleared my desk and called. She was in hysterics, talking about cancelling the wedding because her fiancé was insulting her and did not trust her. I told her everything would be okay by morning, and we agreed to meet up with her fiancé and get to the bottom of things.

Here is a second learning point for both women and men. When you are going to arbitrate a disagreement between lovers, please have both of them present, and, as much as possible, do not give you opinion on the matter, even if they are pretending they want it.

Bitter experience has taught me that if you talk honestly to one party alone, and they eventually make up, you will be cast in the role of villain. They will reunite and act as if you were the cause of their troubles in the first place. So keep you opinions to yourself, and steer them to do all the talking.

With this in mind I rounded up both of them, called my Hubby to be a witness and asked them to tell us what the real problem was. First, she accused him of not wanting her to visit her mother. Then the issue became about the decisions to spend money. Then she accused him of calling her rubbish.

Keep Reading

He said he just exclaims "rubbish" intermittently when the situation or conversation is annoying to him. He never directs it at her personally. He said she was overreacting and deliberately misunderstanding him.

And for learning point number three, directed at all husbands and wives: we are adults, fully capable of learning to govern our tongues. Therefore, whatever the argument, let no abusive language be used. Women, please also refrain from insulting a man's ability to provide and his pride or social standing.

Don't mention poverty, brokenness, joblessness, etc... in every argument. Men, you never insult a woman's age, looks, brains or housekeeping. You must especially never refer to children who are misbehaving as hers alone. Ugandan men are fond of telling children that they are stupid like their mother!

What's more, invoking in-laws when you argue is strictly forbidden. Finally, when they were done talking, I packed them a lunch and dropped them off by the lake for a picnic and a talk. Like the bird released from Noah's Ark after the flood, they did not return.

The next day wedding plans were back in full gear, and my friend called to remind me how I had said everything would be okay by morning. And here is my final lesson: always refrain from saying "I told you so". No one likes being told that, and it makes you look judgmental and annoying. Just give credit to God and leave the door open for a friend to approach you when they next have an issue, which will probably be soon because planning a wedding brings out the best and worst in us.