Why so many people stray and what to do if your relationship is shattered by infidelity

Why so many people stray and what to do if your relationship is shattered by infidelity

Recent figures suggest up to 40% of people married or in long-term relationships will cheat in the course of their relationship.

More than half of all women – and almost 60% of men – have strayed in the past. So bad news everyone – it’s not just the rich and famous who are at it. But why do so many people cheat?

“As you’d expect there are lots of complex reasons why people cheat,” explains relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam.

“But most affairs happen when something is changing, or something needs to change within a relationship.

“In some cases one partner might get a new job or lose weight and be full of confidence. Or perhaps they’ll have lost their job and put on weight, and need reassurance which they’re not getting. Any changes like that can make people feel they’ve been driven towards affairs.

“In other ­cases, things need to change. A man might feel his wife doesn’t ­understand him and she’s not interested in sex anymore so he strays.

“And a woman might feel unattractive and unappreciated stuck at home all day with a rabble of under-fives. In her case, any emotional warmth or attention could mean a lot.”

The revenge cheat

Susan says that a lot of it is also down to ego and even revenge for bad ­behavior in the past.

“Ego plays a big part when people have been settled for a long time,” she says.

“They want to know that they’ve still got it.

“The revenge affair is common, too. Whether it’s revenge for another instance of infidelity or something else, like putting friends or family above a partner, the result is the same. The person having an ­affair feels justified getting their own back.”

So while the reasons for cheating are as old as the hills, are things changing to make having an affair easier?

“Facebook and Friends Reunited can reconnect old flames in a way that didn’t happen in the past. Years ago it would have been complicated to track them down but now it’s so easy.”

But while people are so tempted to stray, is an affair really all it’s cracked up to be?

“Why should things suddenly be perfect and amazing with this new person when they’re not with your partner?” says Susan.

“And think about what else you could lose – apart from someone who has loved you and cared for you, you could lose your kids and friends, too.”

Susan says the facts speak for themselves when it comes to building a lasting relationship from an affair – and things don’t look great.

“Second marriages only work around 25% of the time and the success rate falls even further when the second marriage comes directly from an affair.”

Can your relationship survive?

As difficult as it might seem, Susan says the wisest thing to do when tempted to cheat is to pull away and redirect all that energy into your existing relationship.

“Ask the person that you are thinking about cheating with to wait for six months,” she says.

“Put the affair off – if they want you they’ll wait. Put every effort into your marriage and go to counseling if you can. If after six months you’re still desperately ­unhappy, fine. But break off your relationship first.”

If Susan’s advice is coming a bit too late and people have already cheated, is there any way relationships can really survive infidelity?

“It might seem strange but most people who stay ­together after an affair say their ­relationship is stronger as a result,” says Susan.

“If you have been cheated on, don’t make any decisions in the heat of the moment. It’s so tempting to throw your partner out because you’re so hurt and angry.

“But take your time and find out why they felt the need to cheat.

“If you know through the fires of hell you’ll never get over it, don’t hang on. But make up your own mind; it’s a very individual thing.”