Silent treatment: A strategy wrecking marriages

Duncan Muema* fell in love with a girl he met in college seven years ago. She was what young people would term a girl with ‘good vibes’. She was agreeable to most of his proposals for their future life together. Fights were rare.

“Maria had all the qualities a man would look for in a wife,” says Muema.

Two years into the marriage, however, Muema began to notice what he terms as a sense of entitlement in his wife.

“She started demanding for some finer things in life we could not afford, including holidays in some of the expensive locations in Kenya while all we could afford was an occasional holiday at the coast,” he says.

Maria would push, calling him stingy. He would push back terming her a gold digger. Unable to force her way through, Maria resorted to a strategy many couples fall back on, the silent treatment.

A question would elicit a one-worded answer and if more explanation was required, it was ‘I-don’t-know’. The couple would have celebrated their fifth anniversary together this year. They did not.

The silent treatment is a scourge at the heart of many family squabbles and eventual breakups.

Cleveland Clinic defines silent treatment as “an act of withholding communication. A common stonewalling behaviour that can be intentional or unintentional. For some people, it’s a coping mechanism. For others, it’s a way of causing harm”.

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But why do people who were once open with each other retreat to the silent treatment corner? While each person may have reasons as to why he or she is dishes out a good dose of the silent treatment, or is a recipient of the same, there is a common denominator.

“People use the silent treatment as an easy way of expressing their anger or hurt hoping the other person will pay attention and (perhaps) act,” says Mary Achieng, a Nairobi resident.

“It is the result of annoyance, when someone feels he or she doesn’t want to talk to the spouse. A woman, for example may need time to overcome whatever it is he did to her and the silent treatment may just be a ploy to solicit an apology.”

Granted, family life experts say a man or woman may need some occasional time out, perhaps to ‘cool off’ after an argument and reflect on the best cause of action, one that does not escalate the issue. It could be a brisk walk around the neighbourhood or engaging in some distracting activity. That is silence, not silent treatment, they say.

Unfortunately, the silent treatment is not meant to amicably resolve an issue with two out of three couples falling back on the practice when cornered.

“Sadly, some women are very manipulative, so they use it as a form of punishment or power play,” says Andrea Sila, a woman who confesses to have used the tactic to get her way in a relationship. And if the cold shoulder mentality is not handled well, she says, it can lead to undesirable consequences.

“Prolonged silent treatment can actually be a form of emotional abuse on either party. One party could simply become tired of addressing the same issues especially if it’s a repeated offense from the other person. But the bottom line is, silent treatment does not help. It doesn’t give the other person a fair chance to be heard or understood,” says Sila.

The website Jw.org says “when it is used as a means to retaliate or manipulate, the silent treatment not only prolongs conflict but also erodes the respect the couple have for each other”, adding that while not talking may “quench your thirst for retaliation or compel your spouse to give in to your wishes couples must recognize it for what it is—a tactic that, at best, works only short-term”.

Cheryl Mwangi, a counselling psychologist with Kidsalive Kenya says the silent treatment as a “conflict resolution mechanism” requires skill like any endeavour in life.

“A skill doesn’t need to be positive. If a spouse gets what he or she want regardless of what or how long it takes, then the person feels the tactic has worked. If your style of dealing with a crisis is avoidance, you hope the other person will get it. You might find someone has been communicating their needs, but these were not met and they shut up. Men especially fail to read between the lines,” says Mwangi.

Mwangi says the behaviour could have its genesis on untreated childhood trauma where a person carries on a family trend from years back.

For example, she says girls were taught to be homemakers but may never have been trained on how to deal with a husband, while a boy may never have learnt how to be a husband beyond taking the girl home and trying to provide for her materially.

Such a couple, she adds needs to identify areas in their past that were not navigated as they should have.

“Whatever we deal with stems from our original environments, our homes, the ‘monkey see monkey do’ inclination. Even former family relations have contributed to episodes of the silent treatment. For example, a firstborn is expected to be more responsible than the followers, a girl raised by a single mother may have challenges submitting to a man, a last born may come with associated tantrums,” says Mwangi.

She even suggests a case of a mental illness in one’s family could contribute to the peculiar habit later on.

“All couples are different, and I think they ought to go for a mental assessment test before committing to a lasting relationship. If there is a case of bipolar in the family, it can affect a person’s behaviour in future. These are things people never talk about when dating,” she says.

Whatever the causes or reasons behind the silent treatment, the results are the same, according to the blog, Relationships Australia: “loss of connection, love, intimacy, and sometimes even family participation. It can also feel unfair and unkind, leading to anger and further fighting”.