Should I tell my partner everything?

Hi Chris,

I have been told that partners are supposed to tell each other everything, even when they have only just started dating.

But I also have this strong feeling that I need to keep some things private. Am I odd? Because my girlfriends tell me that talking about everything, often all night is what they love most about being in a relationship.

But I even find myself lying to my boyfriend just to keep some things to myself. It is not that I have something to hide, simply that I feel the need for some privacy. Is that so bad?

Very Private Person

Chris says,

Hi, Very Private Person!

Lovers do talk a lot, telling each other how much they enjoy being together, and how they miss each other when they are apart. But that is not quite the same as telling each other everything.

.

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And that is true right from the beginning. Because if you start telling your brand new boyfriend absolutely everything that goes through your mind, like what a great father you think he is going to be, the chances are he will not be around long!

Early in a relationship, disclosure has to be gradual. So to begin with, whenever your date discloses something small, like what is his favourite sport, you should reveal something similar about yourself.

Perhaps up the ante a little by including something slightly more personal. If things are going well, your date will probably raise the stakes a bit more in return. The trick is to avoid getting too far ahead or lagging.

Eventually, you will both be happily revealing your true selves. So you would think from then on it would be OK to stop editing your conversations. But it does not work like that.

Even though successfully married couples do need to be completely open and honest with one another. Nevertheless, it is still a good idea to avoid topics that your partner finds boring.

And discussing everything can also feel intrusive or controlling. Your views on his mother might seem interesting to you, for example, but how might they sound to him?

You should be aware of each other's past relationships, but talking about them too much can become uncomfortable. Or you might enjoy slagging off your boss when you get home from work. But every night? That might not do your relationship any good at all.

Part of the problem is the way modern life puts such a high value on talking compared to other ways of communicating. So instead, smile more, touch often, and do small things for one another.

Because from helping with the chores to rubbing a sore back, there are lots of non-verbal ways to express your love for each other. And your relationship will probably improve to no end if you stop using each other as free counsellors!

All the best,

Chris