Confessions: I think my husband has a crush on our househelp

I am 34, happily married with two children and everything is working well with my marriage except for one disturbing situation. For two months now we have had a very nice house girl who is perfect with the kids and with her work.

Everything about her is perfect; she is beautiful and has all those things men like and she knows it. Several times, I have even caught him drooling at her but I have no choice other than to keep her because I have crazy work schedules.

We are fond of her but he likes her so much the point that I cannot even correct her in his presence. I try to do everything I should for him but I am afraid this may not go well. Please advise me.

{Dorene}

What the readers say:

Dorene, compose yourself and talk to your husband about this before things get out of hand. His reaction will determine your next move. One thing leads to another so beware of the outcome. She may be a hyena in sheep skin.

{Victoria Wanjiku}

You should sit down with your husband and talk about this. The risks are too many here; she could infect him (and you) with a sexually transmitted infection, he could impregnate her - among many other things. Take the bold step and replace her. The earlier you act, the higher the chances of saving your marriage.

{Onyango Outha}

This is something you ought to take seriously and you have to act fast to save this marriage. You will need to find a balance between work and your family and remember your critical role as a wife. From your explanation, something fishy is going on between them and you should address this early. If your instinct tells you something could be going on, release her as soon as possible and look for a mature woman to take care of your home otherwise expect a lot more to come your way.

{Fred Jausenge}  

If you are threatened by such a good worker, then sack her and get an ugly one. Such beautiful women are equally out in the streets and if your husband has appetite for them, there is a lot of opportunity out there. Do not be made anxious by your suspicions, wait until you confirm your suspicions then act from there. You know your husband better, madam, and you alone know if he can be swayed by the good things you are noticing on the househelp.

{Tasma Saka}

As busy as you are, there are various duties that will always remain your responsibility. If you allow these girls to come close to your man, they will take him. Regardless of how busy you are, those things that directly involve your man should never be abdicated to these women otherwise sit back and watch as they snatch your man.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Simon says:

Dorene, you have actually worked yourself into a situation that is working on one hand but is threatening to destroy other things on the other. A house help is a critical part of a home. With the busy schedules we run, out of town business trips, long working hours etc, the nanny become such an essential element in our lives that she becomes a third parent to the child. In some families, they actually know more about the children than the parents. Again, we put them in charge of our children and they take charge of the kitchen so they occupy powerful positions in the family. With the sensitive responsibilities they are in charge of, our work schedules and the convenience they bring just by being there, we cannot do without them.

However, in as much as we cannot do without them, domestic staff should also remain within certain well defined boundaries. These boundaries cut across for all and everyone has their responsibilities well cut out for them.

For starters, any woman you bring on to assist with your domestic chores is directly answerable to you as the woman of the house. Essentially, it is convenient and safe for him to keep away from matters involving the two of you. If you think they ought to be reprimanded, go ahead and reprimand but make the reporting structures clear for everyone.

By trying to intervene in matters involving you and the girl, he is clearly overstepping his mandate and to a large extent putting you and her on an equal pedestal. Nothing good can come out of this.

Lastly, I condemn, in the worst terms possible, illicit relationships between men of the house and househelps. There can be no bigger insult and no greater degree of contempt than this and as such any man worth his salt will not entertain any ideas towards this.

However, you should also play your part in ensuring this does not happen. When you delegate too much of your responsibilities (especially those that directly involve him), when you allow him to mediate in issues involving the two of you, when you hire an overly attractive girl in your house, you are only creating an enabling environment for things to happen.

There is no such thing as the best house help you ever had. Even the next one will just be as good if not better. If you have caught him several times looking in directions he should not be looking, then it is only a matter of time before things happen.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Dorene, I agree with you that if anything were to happen between your house help and your husband, it would be devastating. We do not know the girl’s stand but our guess is that she may not successfully resist the advances for long.

Talking to your husband about your observations and reservations would not be of help either. This is especially true as far as your peace of mind is concerned.

We appreciate the essential services househelps offer in the home. However, when the general well-being of the family is at stake, we need to reconsider. As perfect as she is with her work, she has unsettled you mentally speaking and that makes her unfit for your home.

You therefore are not left with many choices but to relieve her of her duties. There are other efficient workers out there and you could land on one.

There is the possibility that sending her away will make it easier for your husband to pursue her. However, I still believe that it would be the highest level of mockery and contempt if the illicit relationship were to thrive in your home.

Once she leaves your house, you will still need to address the trust issue in your marriage. This is because if it could happen with your house help then it could happen with another woman out there.

Embark on a trust building journey with your husband by candidly highlighting your areas of concern. This is a conversation that should be held, void of charged emotions and accusatory and judgemental tones.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology