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I’m close to getting my dream man and I want my uncles to keep off

Lady Speak

Until you are seated at a corner in the most respectable dress with your arms folded and your mouth forcefully shut, you will really never know the pain of watching someone else dig your goldmine. It is worse if the person did not feature in your life during your most harrowing times.

This happens a lot with uncles, yes I said uncles because women rarely reap where they did not sow. Especially if it has nothing to do with the men who make them play football off the pitch and score while at it.

Anyway, back to these uncles who are best at showing up just about the time when your bride price should be discussed. That’s when they all of a sudden remember how much you have struggled through your schooling and deserve the best.

They are the loudest when explaining to your suitor how responsible a woman you are and how ready he should be to cough out an amount that only them can quote.

They are always among the first to arrive in your homestead on the D-day, dressed in baggy suits, and give orders left right and centre on what should and should not be done.

That’s when they remind you of how they used to play with your father when they were young and how they welcomed your mother when she joined the family.

As if that’s not enough, they make endless trips to the kitchen to ‘examine’ which goat had met its maker and the number of chickens which would be singing Hallelujah as they crossed over to the unknown land.

You will see them using their faded walking sticks to point at the parts of the chicken that should be left for the visitors and the ones the hosts will eat. All this while they classify themselves as visitors yet the same mosquito can bite both of you in a single night in a span of ten minutes at most if it maintains a high speed!

These are the same uncles who made themselves scarce throughout your childhood as you struggled to put everything together. In some cases, they even played a part in your struggles. They watched from a distance as your parents sacrificed their own happiness just to provide for you.

They watched as went hungry not because you were dieting, but because there was nothing to eat. Throughout this period, they were mocking your family, laughing at your misfortunes and making merry in drinking dens where they aired your dirty linen. Never did they show up to be part of a solution to your problems.

But now everything has changed because you have brought home a suitor and ‘elders’ have a duty to decide on your bride price and receive it on behalf of your mother -- the woman who has been your own pillar.

Like hungry hyenas, those uncles show up way before the programme starts and start giving ideas on how things should happen. Before you know it, they have overpowered the day’s spokesperson and the outcome of the occasion lies squarely in their hands. For a moment, your visitors start wondering what kind of elders your village has. While they are at it, you are expected to sit quietly in a corner and nod anytime they address you. They are the same lot who will judge your suitor even though it is the first time they are meeting him.

They start warning him with phrases such as “Ujue ako na kwao. Kitanda yake bado iko hapa na chakula yake bado iko” As if you had mentioned to them earlier to reserve your bed and food just in case things go South. The worst part is that of all your relatives you had happily invited to this function, only the uncles will be remembered in your matrimonial home for ‘carrying’ the day!

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