Every Kenyan man is dying for this woman to be his wife

The other day while having lunch with a friend, we began gossiping about the men in our lives. My friend, let me just call her Sue, claimed that when she talked about marriage and starting a family with her boyfriend of three years, he said something that really shocked her.

“If you want to be a wife and a mother to my children one day, then you will have to change many things about yourself. I doubt you are not ready now,” her boy friend told her.

And so, of course, we tried to analyse that loaded statement. After hours of analysis, we drew the conclusion that Sue’s boyfriend liked her the way she was as long as she remained his girlfriend. But if he was to marry her, he expected her to change and acquire more “wifely” traits.

I will not claim to be a connoisseur when it comes to understanding the language of men or the reasons they do anything the way they do. After all men are from Mars and women are from Venus. In my mind, the language of men often sounds like gibberish. In fact, I believe the only person who can understand the language of men is men themselves.

A while back Jeff Mac authored the book ‘Manslation: Decoding The Secret Language of Men’ to help women understand the language of men (bless his soul), but of course one book is not enough to decode what goes on in the head of a man (who often like to speak in single syllable words).

So, out of curiosity to understand what a man means when he talks of “wifely” traits, I inquired from men themselves. And what I found out after speaking to a number of men left me dumbstruck and a bit annoyed. The list was, to say the least, delusional and outrightly chauvinistic.

So let me break down the list of a Kenyan man’s ideal wife: First on the list for most men, is beauty. They want a woman who is ‘hot’ throughout — whether she is doing household chores, has just woken up or is chilling at home. They want her ‘hot’. No matter what!

Exists in utopia

A female doormat was also high on the list but it was often disguised behind calls for a respectful or submissive wife. Basically, most men want women who will obey everything they say and never question them. They want a respectful wife but when you ask them to describe what that means, all that comes out is the insinuation that they want a doormat for a wife.

Unfortunately, most men do not even know that for a woman to be submissive her man must be loving and caring. A wife who was a hermit was another popular trait. The type of woman who never leaves the house, who does not party or hang out with friends. A woman who loves to stay home and talk to, err, furniture seeing as most men are hardly home.

Also a woman who does not nag (like that is even possible!). One who stays quiet and has no opinions or better yet keeps them to herself. A woman who speaks softly and never raises her voice. Additionally, it looks like many want a forgiving woman who can let her man cheat and then reward him with a congratulatory pat on the back when she catches him.

Then there is a woman who is a home maker; who cooks and cleans and has as many children as her man wants. Gentlemen, keep looking around, this woman actually exists but only in utopia!