When at odds with young adults

Experts say parenting is a like climbing a mountain – one step at a time. With each step and milestone, the parent-child relationship changes. And while much has been written and said about parenting young children and teens, what about young adults?

Children crossing over into young adults bring with it new challenges as they explore new boundaries and build their lives outside the family home. Where does that leave the parent

Peter Mureithi and Esther Mureithi, parents to three young adults – two young women and a man, say there are lessons to be learnt.

“As much as we have always tried to maintain a healthy relationship with our now adult children (17, 20, and 23 years old), sometimes we have fallen short,” says Wangari.

She says some areas of conflict include disagreements over life choices such as employment, lifestyles or living arrangements, unrealistic expectations, overstepping adult boundaries or trying to control a situation and criticism of their parenting approaches.

Along the way, Mureithi and Wangari have learnt that parent-child relationships change, and so do parental interactions and involvement.

“We realised it is important that we adjust to these changes rather than hold onto the past, as they (young adults) pull away whenever they feel that we are babying or controlling them,” says the father of three.

They say that with time, they learnt that their children had grown up and wanted to be treated differently, including demanding apologies when wronged.

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“At the beginning, it was a shock... (but)... we toned down and with the encouragement of a family counsellor, we understood that at times, especially when we were on the wrong, we need to apologise to our young adults,” says Mureithi.

Lisa Wanjiro, a family counsellor, says childhood innocence ends when the children first realise their parents are not ideal as they have always envisioned. She says when this happens, parents need to own their mistakes with their children and acknowledge that they have fallen short of their expectations.

“If the parents continue to be imperfect but never apologise, they will build a wall of painful memories through which their love and affection will not penetrate,” says Wanjiro. She says an apology is the heart’s attempt to connect through the emotional vulnerability of sadness and remorse.

What constitutes an effective apology?

According to Counsellor Wanjiro, an effective apology is the desire to express a heartfelt apology out of love, which is more important than the mechanics of apologising. But there are some aspects of a sincere apology beyond the right spirit.

First, she says, a parent has to be willing to be empathetic, humble, vulnerable, courageous, and speak sincerely from the heart.

“An apology identifies some past action for which a parent takes responsibility without any ‘buts’, expressing the remorse and regret for wrongdoing,” says the counsellor, adding that in the apology, the parent must indicate that they are genuinely sorry for their actions, and must promise not to do this in the future.

Further, she recommends the parent makes an offer to make some amends where possible and concludes by requesting forgiveness.

“It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognise that an apology is necessary to mend a break in the relationship with an adult child,” says Wanjiro.

How to apologise effectively

Own your mistake: Taking responsibility for owning up to your mistake on how you contributed to a conflict as a parent is crucial even if you feel you are not at fault. The important point is to recognise how your actions negatively impacted your adult child. One could say; “I shouldn’t have imposed on you like that. I should have trusted and respected your decision.’

Explore the conflict in detail: Some situations demand that you explore the conflict in further detail for additional clarity and understanding. When doing so, refrain from becoming defensive. Do not argue your point. Instead, focus on the problem at hand. Remind yourself that you and your child are on the winning team. You could ask, “What do you think about the advice I gave?”

Acknowledge your child’s feelings: After taking responsibility for your contribution and gaining additional information, experts advise that you acknowledge how your actions may have affected the child emotionally.

Offer future solutions: It is not wrong to make a mistake, but it is wrong to repeat a mistake. You might likely face the same situation in the future. It is advisable to have an idea of different ways of approaching this to prevent additional harm.

Reinforce the importance of the relationship: Wanjiro says after the apology remember to reinstate the importance of your relationship with your adult children. “This is reparative for both parties to deepen your understanding and it helps reinforce that you are on the same team.” You could say; “I am so glad we are on the same page. I hate being on bad terms with you as you mean so much to me.”