I've been a good wife but he treats me like trash

I am 32 and have married for nine years now. My marriage has been good but we always fight over money because I depend entirely on him. He complains about everything from hospital bills to the food we eat and often says that I don't understand the value of money. He has now moved in with a 52-year-old woman (mother of three grown up children) who allows him to use her money for any luxuries he desires but he is not allowed to spend anything on us. I have done my best to be a good wife and mother to our children. He has even gone to the woman's home and he has never taken anything to my parents. I think I am losing him to an old woman but I have really done my best. I don't know what to do about this, please advise me. {Salome K}

If you had really done your best to have some income you would not be in this situation. The current economic conditions cannot allow a wife who is entirely dependent on a man. Wake up and do something even if it is small business and you will be happier in marriage. {Aseri Dickson}

Salome, how can you depend on your husband 100 per cent? You already lost your man to a hard working woman. However, he will come back since you have the advantage of age. The best you have been doing may not have been good enough for him. {Peter Oyaro}

You have known your man’s problem and it is that he would wish you also contributed to the financial obligations in the house. Even if he were to come back he would still behave the same way if he finds you at the same place. If you want him back, get something to do with yourself and once he learns that, he will be back. For now, therefore, forget about him, reorganise yourself and focus ahead. {Tasma Charles}

No sugar mummy will allow her darling toy-boy spend her finances on other women. You need to fight for your husband and look for a way to keep him at home. This may mean looking for something to do – even selling groceries as long as you don’t stay idle. Don’t let that devil ruin your marriage. {Fred Jausenge}

I think you are not totally honest about this situation. Think deeply and see if you have turned and become too dependent on him or if you have been spending the money he gives you carelessly. Maybe the other woman gives him the love and care he needs and desires and you just took him for granted. In every marriage, lack of communication is the root cause of all marital problems. {Andrew Didy Chaplin}

If you have children with your husband and you are legally married to him then you can seek help from the local children officer or children court. If both your parents are alive then you better talk to your own parents to talk to your father and mother-in-law to resolve the conflict between you, your husband and the other woman. You can also talk to your husband and let him know that you know what has been cooking and let him decide whom he wants to be with. {Onyango Outha}

Counsellor's take

It is always a difficult thing knowing that your partner is cheating. However, it is even more painful knowing he is involved with someone else simply because the other person has greater financial muscle.

Essentially, the age of the other person is not usually a problem but when it turns out to be a 52-year-old woman then it becomes an even bigger problem. The issue of older women seducing and attracting younger men is becoming increasingly popular. This is orchestrated by the presumably harsh economic times and the increasing number of women who have everything else life has to offer except a companion. This happens in different scales and measures but when it leads to a family man leaving his matrimonial home and into an older woman’s house then it becomes an issue of great concern.

Generally, if it was an older man who was supporting a younger woman who has a family, he would not care less if she used the money on her family. In this situation, it is the opposite happening and a woman would not hear a thing about a co-wife benefiting from her resources. I hope he is able to then sustain you and the children on his little earnings being that you pointed out that you depend entirely on him.

I did not quite understand what you meant by saying that he has even gone to her home because if he has paid dowry then you should start accepting the fact that you are going to become a second wife. In such a situation, there is little you can do except get a close friend to talk to him and help him see how this scenario is impacting on you and the children. The allure of the good life should not override his paternal and matrimonial responsibilities.

I have known men whom have been maintained by women but one common thing is that they left all the relationship with nothing. This may help him realise that marrying an older woman does not guarantee you a higher standard of living. His standard of living will only be higher in the aspects that concern the other woman but not on those aspects that are relevant to him. {Taurus}