My husband suffers from premature ejaculation and it's driving me mad

Dear Coleen: My husband suffers from premature ejaculation and it's driving me mad

I know my problem may sound like a petty and selfish thing to contact you about, but it’s really getting me down.

I have been with my husband for 21 years and married for 12 – we also have three amazing children. I am 38, he is 14 years older and we both work full time.

We try to spend as much time as possible together as a family, so my husband and I don’t tend to have much time on our own due to work, tiredness or lack of money.

When we do, it’s mainly spent in bed and that’s where my problem lies. When we make love, it’s over before it has even begun. My husband has to keep ‘stopping’ because if he doesn’t, he will ejaculate and he says he knows I get upset.

I did tell him it frustrates me as I don’t get to orgasm because it’s over too quickly. The last time I did was back in July.

He says he can’t help it and it’s because I turn him on so much, which then makes me feel guilty, so I end up apologising and tell him it’s OK which, believe me, it isn’t!

It’s got to the point now where everything he does in bed – foreplay, kissing, hugging and so on – is bugging me and putting me off. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared this is going to ruin my marriage. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

I think there are a few issues here. First of all – and I know this isn’t easy – you need to make more time for each other outside the bedroom. Take the pressure off ‘performing’ in bed and try to reconnect as a couple – rebuild some intimacy and romance.

If you want to do it you can fit it in, however busy you are. And you don’t need to do expensive things.

Next, stop blaming yourselves or each other – stop feeling guilty or apologising. Try to refocus on the positive and ways you can help each other to work this out so you’re both happy and satisfied in bed.

As for premature ejaculation, there are certain techniques he can use to prolong sex. In most cases, it’s down to psychological factors such as anxiety rather than a physical problem (although there would be no harm in him seeing his GP to rule it out).

It’s a vicious circle – having climaxed too quickly a few times, he’s now expecting it to happen every time and that’s making him anxious, which then makes him keep on climaxing too quickly.

Stop focusing on penetration and make sex all about foreplay. Stopping just before he climaxes is a good technique. He can do it with you during foreplay or when he’s on his own and then build up to penetrative sex.