Confessions: My wife left, took our kids and doesn’t want to see me

I was married for about eight years until last year. My wife and I had many fights and, in most instances, accused each other of infidelity. One final big fight led to our separation. She works in Baringo and I’m in West Pokot and she has evaded all my efforts to reconcile with her. She does not want to see me and has moved our two children to an unknown place. I love my wife and children and living without them has really affected me. How can I get her to meet me and discuss this matter? I don’t understand why she is behaving like this. Please help me.

Tobias

What the readers say:

To me, your wife is seeing or dating another man at the moment. Try to arrange a meeting with her or with your both parents and or without close relatives or friends and look into the basic problems and reconciliation between you. If she refuses, there are many things you can do. You could consider divorcing her traditionally or legally and plan to officially remarry or you could choose to remain single and take care of your children if they are in your custody. All in all, if she chooses to come back, please go for a thorough medical exam and have a final family meeting.

Onyango Outha?

Tobias, this is a clear indication that you loved her. It is no wonder you are missing her already. Separation is  acceptable in African culture. It is meant to help calm things down as the couple ponders on the way forward. Many families have at one point undergone marital separation; it is normal. This should be a time for you to reflect on the bright future for yourself. Really think and rethink if you were always the cause of the family friction. If you aren’t the problem, then relax and count your blessings. Change of contacts and location is probably an indication she needs some time to cool off. There are, however, certain points that must be clear; the war was between you two, you both fought or failed to agree for the benefit of the whole family, you are here trying all possible ways to reach to her of which she has blocked all the avenues: a clear indication that she doesn’t want to be with you. Never ever, act desperate. Some people have turned out so happy and successful after they were left by their spouses. Take time to ponder on the next move. She is moving further away from you because you are acting clingy. Stay put and let her also make the effort to look for you, otherwise you could be putting all your eggs in one basket! Be a man and always remain a man.

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

Indirectly, you admit you are the source of trouble (admitting liability in marriage is a positive step in reconciliation). Secondly, she has acted in a manner to imply she is fed up and cannot trust her children with you. When a marriage reaches such a drift, it requires the highest levels of honesty for it to get back to course. Get her church, not yours and neither your friends, nor hers, to convene this. In doing this, be very honest on your part but remain very calm (no blame game). As you pursue this dimension, be very patient and let things work. Alternatively, let the storm settle and she will be ready to talk. Begin with small talk, remorse, then reconciliation. Remember this may take years but if it is the only workable solution, follow it to the end. In either, remember, patience, honesty, forgiveness and tolerance.

Tasma Saka

Tobias, remember that the process of separation is painful and, at times, one may not overcome it quickly. Your wife may still be going through feelings of loss and anger, therefore, give it time.  Please engage a professional counselor to walk with her upto the point she realises there is need for reconciliation. Both of you will have to sit down and balance your cards openly step by step. Sometimes, separation can be a time of forgiveness and renewed commitment.

Rev Willis Atoyo

Boke says:

Dear Tobias,

Sorry for the separation. Eight years is a long time to have been fighting over the same issue without ever getting to the bottom of it. Conflicts are never wished away but rather unwrapped and solved. Without which the relationship and the individuals get drained of its joy and strength.

I suspect there was too much strain in your marriage and your wife could have had enough of your fights. Infidelity is not one of those accusations you trade back and forth over and over again. By now you should have known whether those were mere allegations or truth. But why would both of you accuse each other? One can conclude that you long neglected your relationship and marriage. 

Physical separation is normally the last form of departure that happens long after the emotional and psychological separation. So although you have been away from each other for months the separation happened earlier. 

Give yourselves time before initiating a reconciliation. However, keep in mind that you cannot force it to happen. Take this time to evaluate things with the intention of correcting them. Also note that the conviction to come back should be mutual otherwise nothing will happen. 

In the case where she does not agree to return then you must accept the situation and move on. That is the difficult truth. In all this I implore you to think of the welfare of the children. While both of you can get other spouses your children can never have other parents. Therefore remain committed to them and their well-being. Embrace co-parenting and come up with a programme for that. This will require a lot of maturity from both of you such that all the negative feelings you could be harbouring should never get to the children. 

Before that, you should exhaust all avenues of reconciliation.  If it does not happen, forgive, carry your lessons and move on. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology