Nina is a beautiful, radiant, intelligent five-year-old little angel.
She paints a picture of an inseparable mother-daughter relationship from her engagement with her mother.
Not until Nina gets upset, and the beautiful angel turns into a seemingly unruly tiny actor throwing tantrums (and anything she can lift), throwing herself to the floor or ground.
Infredah Makori, her mother and her eight-year-old brother are used to this “act”. Sometimes, it can be as short as five minutes, and sometimes, it can go on for eons.
“Nina has been throwing these tantrums ever since she was a baby. She would cry both during the day and at night” says the 35-year-old mother, adding that at the onset, she would spend her time to and from the hospital thinking she had a health problem until the doctor promised her it would end with time.
Now, Nina is five years old and the tantrums have become unbearable. The mother of two, a casual worker, has had to shift her rented home twice because of complaints from neighbours.
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Dr Joel Wango, a counselling psychologist, says many parents face a similar kind of challenge.
“Whining is what we call when someone talks and cries at the same time or speaks in an annoying sing-song or high-pitched way,” says Dr Wango.
He explains that during preschool years, children tend to get better because they are learning to use words and learn how to express themselves.
However, he says, the majority cry a lot too, especially if they are tired, frustrated, irritated, disappointed, or hungry. In such times, he adds, the only way children know how to communicate is through whining.
While parenting Nina, Infredah says she has learnt that her daughter whines to get attention, especially when she finds out that it works.
She says, she now she is better equipped to know when to let her whine her way to silence, and when and when to pay attention when the situation demands.
What to do
Dr Wango advises parents of whining children to try the following techniques to help both the parent and the child go through the whining sessions.
Explain the meaning of whining to the child: Sometimes it helps to ensure that the child knows what whining is as they may not understand that whining is an annoying way of communicating. “After all in their view, whining is the only way they know to express their feelings,” says the counsellor.
Label whining: When you call whining out to the child when they do so, it ensures that they will know when they are whining – you could tell the whining child “I hear a whiny voice, and I cannot understand what you are saying when you talk with that voice. Please use your sweet girl voice instead”. This, says the expert, will bring the point home instead of shouting matches, threats, and other mechanisms adopted by parents.
Use the child’s toys: Demonstrate to the whining child what the act is like by using their preschool toys and pretending they are talking to each other in whiny voices. This action might surprise your whining child to hear what whining sounds like – disgusting and annoying.
Record your child’s whining and normal voice so they can hear the difference. This might help them stop the whining.
Work with the child to identify their emotions. This will help the child express their feelings, and by so doing help you to help them identify and describe how they feel using words.
Figure out why they whine. Write down what happens every time your child whines for a few days. You might find out that they whine mostly for attention, or near bedtime when tired. Knowing why and when your child whines will help you decide how to handle the whining situation.
Ignoring works. If you ignore the whining child and they notice that they do not get attention when they whine, they might stop. Be firm and do not give in to your child’s whining as this will encourage the child to whine even more, especially when they want something. The trick is not to give in to the child’s demands even if they ask nicely.
The expert encourages parents with whining children to “keep the course”, reminding them that it can take several weeks of consistent parenting to see changes in young children. “Sooner or later your child will understand that whining does not work,” he says.