I don't like pulling the trigger on women. Instead, I prefer blowing them kisses. However, Anne Muiruri hit men below the belt, accusing them of bad habits that piss off women. And as a man who knows which side of his bread is buttered, I'm returning the favour in defense of my endangered species.
First off, women with poor borrowing culture. When you lend them an item, it takes combined intervention of Recce Squad, Interpol and global positioning satellite (GPS) device to track it down. It takes a shouting match for such types to pay a debt. They lose your autographed, souvenir book and go like, "Aki woiye! I'm very sorry". Sorry ni wewe! Pay up!
Then there're those you take to a live concert, and without an ounce of shame, start shouting the name of the celeb on stage, expressing undying love for him while, get this, firmly perched atop your shoulders. What cheek! Alternatively, you pay her entry fee to an overpriced extravaganza, only for her to vanish and keep making technical appearances, demanding a drink. Parasites!
Team whiners and gossips. They are always complaining and backbiting, not just anybody but their so-called 'best friends for life' (BFFs). When you see three of them giggling together, you would think they're best of buddies. But wait until one is away. You need tremendous willpower to suppress yawns when listening to such whiners. Come on Miss Jealous. Stop sneering at cuter women and those dressed better than you. Will you?
Girls, in this hard economic times, no man wants you to show up for a date with a hungry, thirsty crowd. It's such characters who, despite being weaned on local beer brands, asks for expensive, foreign drinks just because the man said 'feel free to order anything you want'. They abuse men's generosity and order for food that cost an arm and a leg, which, annoyingly, they toy with and only eat the salad. These party poopers hover around like hawks, making it difficult for the man to dispense the all-important honey-coated lyrics to his object of desire.
Good Lord, Miss Freebies, didn't your mother teach you men hate needy women?! This woman likes free things. Free tickets, free drinks, free rides. Free! Free! Free! You would be forgiven for thinking 'Free' is her middle name because if you shouted 'free' when she's within earshot, chances are she will look over. Girls, listen and listen good. Free things always haunt. Spend your cash. That, after all, is what equality which you always shout about from rooftops is all about. There's no such thing as a free lunch.
Then we have annoying types who interrupt sports. Your Arsenal FC is trailing Manchester United. And just when you're holding your breath over a goal-mouth melee, the shenzi woman pokes you in the ribs and blurts, "Awww... that Manchester dude is so cute".
Also, enough of the blanket condemnation of men. Just because one cheated on you, don't call all men dogs. There are many nice guys out there, just don't ask me where to find them. Go figure!
Ladies, playing hard to get is so out of vogue. Men have no time to decode those mixed signals. It's either a 'yes' or 'no', pronto.
Last but not least, ladies, must you copy dress? Currently, almost every woman in Nairobi owns this bandage-like skirt with black and white stripes. Is that Kenya's new national dress? I must have missed the memo. Others insist on putting on miniskirts even when it's clear Mary Quant didn't have them in mind when inventing it. As a man, you see such and can't help but gasp, "I can do better in a skirt than her!"