Hi Chris,
My husband and I argue a lot and seem unable to understand each other’s point of view. He always has to be right, so I give in a lot and am full of resentment! How can we do better?
Resentment
Chris says,Hi Resentment!
Actually, couples should argue! About a whole raft of things, like money, sex, child-rearing, the in-laws and so on. So what’s probably causing your difficulties is that men and women have very different conflict styles.
Men dislike feeling blamed or vulnerable and resent attempts to change them. They especially hate it when a woman approaches a problem indirectly. So if you’re upset about something, say so straight out! Don’t skirt around the issue, or he’ll immediately be on the defensive.
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Men use language that would be just fine with another man, but will hugely irritate their wives. So saying something like ‘don’t worry about it’ sounds sympathetic to a man, but to a woman shows a complete lack of sensitivity. Men also quickly offer solutions to one another, but you probably want to explore the issue more widely.
Men also fail to appreciate the importance of a woman’s feelings. You need him to accept that you’re upset, especially if it’s him who upset you! So help him to understand that he shouldn’t only see situations in terms of the facts, or say that you shouldn’t feel upset. Help him learn to listen first and try to understand your feelings. It’s hard for a man. His entire instinct is to justify his behaviour. And he won’t say sorry easily either.
So work hard at understanding each other’s approach to conflict. Practice finding good workable approaches when little things go wrong, so you can cope better with major difficulties. Focus on the emotions behind each other’s words rather than the facts. Try to develop a greater understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs, remembering that these are different for the two of you. Help your husband to understand your approach towards arguments, and learn to understand his.
And then things will go much better!
All the best,
Chris