Sex is often the driving force that leads people to leave their family homes and build new lives with their romantic partners. The pursuit of physical intimacy can prompt individuals to go to great lengths - even resorting to deception - just to satisfy their desires. Sex is the reason King David killed Uriah.
However, the irony is that many long-term relationships struggle with the opposite problem - a complete lack of it.
Despite the powerful spark that may have ignited these partnerships initially, a serious problem that plagues numerous couples in Kenya is the dwindling or even total absence of sex and sexual desire within their marriages.
Richard, 48, an accountant says, “I cannot remember the last time I had sex; after our first child, I did not get sex for the next five years of that marriage. I got raged; we fought a couple of times with my wife because I only wanted to have sex with her and she could not give me that. Work has also been stressful with no pay.”
His story reflects a common pattern where intimacy drastically declines after childbirth. Another couple, speaking on condition of anonymity, describes how their sexual relationship deteriorated when the wife began experiencing physical discomfort.
“I started having vaginal dryness,” the wife explains. “I was always tired, always had an excuse – not in the mood, headache, the children might hear.”
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Angie, a 36-year-old mother of three, expresses the depth of her frustration with her sexless marriage. “I cannot even remember the last time I was intimate with the father of my children,” she says.
“I just want to end it all. I really want to wake up next to someone who truly loves me, someone who is overjoyed at the idea of sleeping with me.”
She further adds that, “I miss the intimacy, but I don’t want it with the father of my children anymore.”This silent crisis of “sexless marriages” has become increasingly common, with marriage counsellors reporting that around 30 per cent of their clients cite diminishing intimacy as a primary concern.
“A sexless marriage is when a couple is not properly engaged in a sexual relationship between the wife and husband,” explains Walter Bulimu, a marriage counsellor.
While experts traditionally define a sexless marriage as having intimate encounters ten or fewer times per year, Bulimu emphasizes that the impact extends far beyond the physical absence of intimacy.Dr Joachim Osur, a renowned sexologist, explains, “A sexless marriage isn’t just about the absence of physical intimacy. It’s a complex issue that can stem from various factors, from busy lifestyles to deeper emotional disconnections.”
While there is no universal standard for sexual frequency in marriage, regular physical intimacy plays a crucial role in maintaining emotional bonds between couples.
Caught in a rut
“Sex isn’t just about physical pleasure,” says Dr Osur. “It’s about connection, trust, and maintaining the unique intimacy that distinguishes a marriage from other relationships.”
Research reveals that the prevalence of decreased intimacy in marriages has been increasing globally, though exact statistics are difficult to obtain due to the private nature of the issue.
A 2016 survey by Georgia State University in the United States found that 15 per cent of married couples had not had sex with their spouse in the previous six to 12 months. And in 2017, research by the Japan Family Planning Association found that nearly half of married couples had not had sex more than a month, with no hope of this changing in the near future.
The demands of modern life are taking their toll on Kenyan marriages. With increasingly busy schedules, career pressures, and family obligations, many couples find themselves drifting into what experts’ term as “convenience partnerships” - living together but leading parallel lives.
“I see couples who haven’t been intimate for months, sometimes years,” Dr Osur explains. “Often, they’re so caught up in their daily routines that they don’t realize how their relationship has transformed from a romantic partnership into a practical arrangement.”
The situation in Kenya appears equally concerning. According to a recent Kenyan study, 41.6 per cent of married couples reported being dissatisfied with their sex lives after the Covid-19 pandemic, a pointer to the falling quality of life among the most sexually active age group of 31 to 50 years old.
While definitive national statistics remain elusive, marriage counselors like Bulimu have witnessed the troubling trend firsthand. “Years ago, the complaints were different,” he observes.
“Today, many families are reporting decreased intimacy in their marriages, particularly among younger couples.”
Bulimu, who recently celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary, has been observing this phenomenon in his counseling practice. According to his observations, approximately three out of every ten couples who seek his guidance express concerns about diminishing intimacy in their relationships.
“What’s particularly noteworthy,” Bulimu explains, “is that this issue predominantly affects younger families, those married between 10 to 20 years.” He also notes that couples over 50 frequently face similar challenges, though for different reasons.
According to the sexologist, one of the most concerning aspects of sexless marriages is the culture of silence surrounding the issue. Many couples suffer in silence, embarrassed to seek help or even acknowledge the problem. This silence often leads to more serious consequences, including infidelity.
“Some partners seek fulfillment outside their marriages,” Dr Osur notes, “not necessarily because they don’t love their spouses, but because they’re missing that crucial element of intimacy in their relationship.”
Emotional distance
The causes, Bulimu explains, are multifaceted and often interconnected. Medical conditions, particularly lifestyle diseases, can play a significant role. However, the psychological and emotional aspects often have an even greater impact.
“When trust is lost between partners, or when promises remain unfulfilled, it creates emotional distance,” he says. “This emotional disconnect inevitably affects the relationship’s intimacy.”
Modern lifestyle factors also contribute significantly to this phenomenon. “People are under immense pressure at work and in their neighborhoods,” Bulimu notes. “These stressors can have a profound impact on relationship dynamics.” He emphasizes that mental well-being plays a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships.
Dr Osur addresses common misconceptions about age and sexuality. “There’s a belief that sexual desire naturally diminishes with age, but this isn’t entirely accurate,” he explains.
“Women, for instance, often experience increased sexual desire in their 30s and 40s. The key is maintaining open communication and actively working on intimate connections throughout the marriage.”
Bulimu’s approach to addressing these issues begins with identifying the root cause. “We first need to understand whether the challenge is medical, psychological, or relational,” he explains.
“If it’s medical, we refer couples to appropriate healthcare providers. For psychological or relational issues, we focus on counseling and restoration of the relationship.”
Cultural factors can also significantly influence relationship dynamics, according to Bulimu. He points out that in some communities, traditional power imbalances in marriages can strain relationships. “When women are not viewed as equal partners in the relationship, it affects the entire dynamic of the marriage,” he explains.
Bulimu also highlights the importance of understanding different approaches to intimacy between partners. “Women often need more emotional connection and preparation,” he explains. “It’s a holistic experience that encompasses mental and physical aspects throughout the day. Men, on the other hand, might take a more straightforward approach.”
The impact of modern medical interventions can also affect relationships. Bulimu shares an example from his own marriage, where family planning medications temporarily affected the relationship dynamics.
Reorganizing priorities
“We addressed it through open discussion and making necessary adjustments,” he says, emphasizing the importance of communication in overcoming such challenges. Dr Osur echoes the significance of communication and understanding in addressing sexless marriages. “The first step is acknowledging the issue and being willing to discuss it openly,” he advises.
“Sometimes, the solution mighbe as simple as reorganizing priorities and making time for intimacy.”
He recommends several strategies for couples, including scheduling regular date nights, creating technology-free zones in the home, communicating openly about desires and concerns, and seeking professional help when needed.
One common factor leading to sexless marriages, according to Dr Osur, is the monotony of routine. “When intimacy becomes predictable, it loses its appeal,” he explains. “Couples need to understand that maintaining a healthy sex life requires effort, creativity, and willingness to explore within comfortable boundaries.”
Dr Osur emphasizes that sexless marriages aren’t irreparable. With commitment, communication, and sometimes professional guidance, couples can rebuild their intimate connections and strengthen their marriages.
“A healthy marriage is like a garden, it needs regular attention, care, and nurturing to flourish. Physical intimacy is just one aspect, but it’s an important one that shouldn’t be neglected.”
Bulimu advocates for more comprehensive premarital counselling to help couples build stronger foundations for their marriages.
“We encourage churches to begin serious counselling sessions with members because people are going through very difficult moments,” he says.