Before we have a wedding, just how much is Carol worth?

You have cleared all the jam out of your way for your unlikely wedding with Carol. Now, it is time for dowry consultations. First with your boys. Then with your elders. Your mother has not yet approved of Carol, but she is not the one who is marrying Carol. You can always deal with consequences later.

It is hard to estimate the correct dowry to pay for Carol. We mostly use the level of education to determine the dowry. It is assumed, if properly educated, she will be a good return on your investment, hence her clan will quote top dollar. And Carol is properly educated. Two degrees, one self-sponsored, a masters from abroad and a good job to boot. Worse still, Carol is stunningly beautiful and that will be on the cards during the bargains. In fact, the only technical fault in the bargaining is her daughter, Farrah. But being an African society, they will argue, daughters are pretty harmless.

Internally, Carol's behaviour, that of a corporate woman, stinks. She cooks only when she wants. She is cold towards your visitors and sulks a lot. It comes with her job pressures. Besides you are a modern man supposed to tolerate her boardroom behaviour in bedroom and kitchen. But you can trade anything to marry her. Maybe she bewitched you. Her people are famous for that.

Also her people, are famous for selling their daughters to the highest bidder. Thus you need to constitute a proper team that can get a hard bargain on her.

Tom is one such man. He is funny. He is straight-up and doesn't suffer fools. In the bargain, he will be the bad cop. The one who talks trash to remind the elders that Carol is an ordinary mortal.

"Look, Carol is old. Anyone above 30 is old. That should strike 20 per cent of their asking price. She has a child, another 10 per cent. She has been living with you, another 10 per cent. She was once married, another 10 per cent...you get the drift," Tom tells you as he swirls his whisky, "we must not be easy on them."

Lewis, your saved friend, is milder and kinder. He will be the voice of reason.

"This is going to be hard. They know you are well-off, you come from a decent family, but a wife is a good gift, pay whatever they ask," Lewis preaches on. He doesn't know that you have helped Carol settle a monster debt. Also, Carol's people may ask as much as Sh2 million, if not more. You don't have such money to buy land, much less buy a woman.

All your friends think Sh500,000 is enough, with may be a token gift for her widowed mother, who in any case doesn't have any children, and by that many responsibilities. But you don't know which silly uncle with misplaced expectations who may ruin the negotiations.

But your uncle Charlie was born for such, and that is why you ring him and he is happy, ready and available to help make the mistake that every man regret when it is too late: quitting bachelorhood.

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