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Hi Chris,
I’m frustrated. My husband’s become utterly boring in bed! And not at all willing to try new and better ways to be intimate.
What can I do?
Bad Sex
Chris says,Hi Bad Sex!
It’s common for one of a couple to have a lower interest in sex than the other. Perhaps caused by medication, stress or tiredness, for example. Consider that possibility if your husband’s working long hours or taking medication.
Psychological issues arising in childhood can also affect an individual’s sex drive. For example, some children are brought up to believe that sex is somehow ‘wrong,’ or that only the most basic and traditional ways of making love are OK. Something like that may be affecting your husband.
Another possibility is asexuality.
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Asexuality is a spectrum disorder involving a reduced sexual desire. Someone who’s completely asexual won’t have any of the feelings that most men and women experience when they see someone sexy. Deeply asexual individuals usually remain virgins for life, while others seek relationships for their practical benefits. Some have sex because they want children, or to please a partner. Some have limited sexual feelings but don’t feel driven by them. A bit like seeing nice food, but not wanting any because you’re not hungry. Many asexuals love their spouse and are happy to have sex with them, but never initiate or experiment.
Sorting out whether any of these issues are affecting your husband will be very difficult, so consider going together to see a psychologist and discussing everything thoroughly with them.
Explore what you like about your relationship and about each other. Discuss whether childhood issues are affecting your husband and how to deal with them. With a psychologist’s help, the chances of success are very good. If the problem is some degree of asexuality, are there forms of intimacy that would be enjoyable for both of you? What do you both want from the relationship? If you work through all the possibilities together, with an open mind, there’s a good chance you can find a solution that works for both of you.
All the best,
Chris
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