Is it possible to change a controlling partner?

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend’s never been violent, but he puts me down, he’s possessive, insists on looking at my phone messages and is funny about me visiting friends and family. What can I do to get him to change?

Feeling Controlled

Chris says,

Hi, Feeling Controlled!

You’re being abused. Abusers often seem perfect at first, with wonderful gifts and romantic gestures. So, although they might seem a little obsessive, you overlook it. Misinterpreting manipulation as love. It all seems too good to be true. And it is.

Sometimes you can spot one early enough to avoid getting involved. For example, abusers are often hugely inconsiderate in traffic, treat waitresses like dirt, have terrible tempers, and are forever going on about their ungrateful exes.

But you don’t say anything because he’s being so nice to you. It never crosses your mind that he might mistreat you. Until he does. And you’re being coercively controlled, manipulated and humiliated.

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Your boyfriend’s need for control is probably driven by insecurity, though you’d probably never guess that from his confident manner. As he starts to cut you off from your family and friends, it’s always sugar-coated: ‘Don’t go out tonight, let’s do something together.’

So you end up with no one to give you an alternative view of what’s normal. You think it’s all your fault that he doesn’t seem happy. Maybe you even feel lucky to have someone who puts up with you. Because by now you feel inadequate and worthless.

So why don’t you leave?

It’s because whenever you do push back, he becomes really sweet. You believe that’s the real him, and that if you tried harder, he’d be like that all the time.

But most often it’s because leaving isn’t a single event, it’s a process. And if you don’t start the process, you’ll never leave. So quietly organise your finances, look for somewhere to live, make new friends, start removing your valuables one at a time…

And don’t imagine you can change him. Nothing you can do will make any difference. So no more excuses. Just leave.

All the best,

Chris