My friends are getting divorced, should I take sides?

Hi Chris,

I’m friends with a couple who have split up. I hear stories of old grudges - and somehow I’m supposed to take sides! But how can I choose one friend at the expense of the other?

Choosing Sides

Chris says,

Hi Choosing Sides!

Exes often try to get a mutual friend to take sides, which isn’t fair, is it? But one thing’s for sure: It’s your choice.

You may feel closer to someone you’ve known longer, but such loyalties aren’t set in stone. Nor do you have to side with your friend of the same sex. Sometimes exes feel uncomfortable about you being friends with both of them, but you still don’t have to be the one to make the choice.

As long as you’re honest and open with both of them and don’t sneak around. Make it clear from the start that you’re not taking sides and that you want to remain friends with both of them. Separately. Then let them decide for themselves if that’s something they can handle.

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You’ll need to be tactful, non-judgmental, and resist saying negative things about either of them, or you could lose both of them. What if they both want to confide in you? Stay neutral and just listen.

Chances are they’ll be happy with that anyway, because what most couples need from their friends after a break-up is to listen, support and help them move on.

Stay impartial, listen to them both, and put up with the stories of long-held grudges. But don’t get involved in the trash-talking. Because if they ever get back together, you can be sure they’ll tell each other everything you’ve said!

Don’t become a mediator and keep your own opinions out of it. Even if you think they’re behaving badly. Your friends need to work things out for themselves.

Things can get really messy when couples break up, so don’t get too involved. Be supportive and a good listener. But otherwise, stay out of it. And do what you think is best for you.

All the best,

Chris