When your marriage hits the rocks

Here is ‘Men Only’s’ seasoned advice to women — men can also pick a tulip or two — on what to do kama kimeumana and you have to split up. First off, it’s not the end of Earth. Like the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ song says, ‘life goes on.’ Just don’t be one of those pathetic people for whom part two comes true, ‘long after the thrill, of living is gone.’

Come on, you can do better!

And by better I mean exactly that. After a while, you can find an even better, smarter, younger, richer or whatever it is you are looking for in a partner.

But before you get there, here are a few things you may have to deal with, starting with pesky relatives who may maliciously want to know ‘Koi alienda wapi?’ (type them ‘googlemaps’ on your phone and tell them, ‘sijui! Hebu mtafute hapa,’). Then there are the petty members of the public, many of them total losers in life and in love, who will want to have a good laugh at your expense.

The first thing is — you want to be very open about your breakup. Remember how you put up all those Instagram’s captioned ‘we are in love’? There is no need to now hide your breakup as if one has been given news that they have anal cancer.

If you are married and had taken his name, hopefully not legally because who still does that, drop it. Take off those wedding and engagement rings and give them to someone more needy than yourself. If you are not sure who, a street person will do. After all, your marriage has turned to rubbish. But that does not mean you hit Facebook and other social media to trash talk your ‘ex.’

Doing so only diminishes you in the eyes of the right-thinking members of society, and they may begin to suspect you were brought up in a ghetto (not that there’s anything wrong). Be respectful about the breakup, don’t have acrimony over alimony and be amicable about visitation rights if you have a child (or ‘issue’ as they call it at law). After all, the kids’ best interest must always be at the heart of your hearts.

Otherwise, beyond there, be a ‘don’t care.’

Get rid of his stuff.

Mementos are memories that will hold you back, so put those photographs and other personal belongings of theirs out with the trash. After all, it is not like you are planning to write a book called ‘Memoirs of a Marriage.’ If you are one of the more sentimental members of society, then you can stuff this stuff into a big carton box, sello-tape it and stuff it in your basement or somewhere stale and musty (like your marriage at the end, ha ha) and ‘forget’ it when you next move house.

If you lived in a family house, move to a funky flat. If the décor in your last home was heavy red and beige (I confess I have zero idea what color ‘beige’ is) move to a light and airy place full of white.

Think of even a long union of, say, eight years like primary school. Whether happy, sad or ho-hum, you don’t keep obsessing over who beat you in Standard Four and the girl you had a crush on in Standard Six. Life moved on.

I am sure you have enjoyed reading this piece, but you’ll now turn the page to see what Wambui Thimba has on trends. The only difference between me and your ‘ex’ is — you will still see me here, next week.