I can't handle my husband's sexual demands

This week's topic:

I am having a somewhat big problem with sex in my marriage. For many years, my husband and I have fought over this because he always wants to have sex. He says he thinks about it and needs it often but for me it is not a big deal.

I can go for weeks or months without even thinking about it. He gets angry when I say I am too tired (often) and he is offended that I don’t seem to want it as much as he does.

I feel like this is a battle that I just cannot win and I may have to give in to his demands even when I don’t feel like it. I think if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan for that, and maybe that would help. Please advise me. {Eunice}

Your take:

Eunice, this is your husband and it is your duty to satisfy him sexually. However, he needs to know that sex is a privilege not a right and he should also consider your feelings.

Tell him how you feel and if you cannot face him, write a letter or send him a text message. Also try and examine your relationship to understand why things are as they are. Think about this and keep him satisfied otherwise you may lose him to other women out there.

{Fred Jausenge}

You can fix this by training yourself to look forward to sex and to always love it. You are lucky your man would rather force you than look for it elsewhere. If it persists, see a medical practitioner as your condition may have a medical dimension.

{Tasma Charles}

Eunice, it takes two to tango. This is something that both of you must discuss for the good of your marriage. It is not a matter of who needs who or when and how often.

Compromise has always been a pillar in many marriages and yours is not a different case and therefore, you must accept to play by him possibly unless you are sick or very tired that he can even see it in your face. If you push him away sexually, he might seek it elsewhere.

{Ouma Ragumo}

To me you may be having sex phobia or you have lost interest in sex. Would you be happy if your husband started dating other women for sexual satisfaction?

Your husband is sincere with you and, as it is, he knows no one else who can satisfy him sexually. Unless you are sick, you must be getting your satisfaction from elsewhere.

{Onyango Outha}

Sex is the basis of any marriage. There is no other way of putting it. Going for weeks or months without sex is giving him a reason to cheat on you. Generally it is people who create the problems in marriage themselves.

{Aseri Dick}

It is very sad that you have to give in to sex even if you don’t feel like doing it. Remember good sex is two-way and should be done when both parties are up to it.

Talk to your husband about it or get something from your doctor that can increase your libido urgently before your husband looks for alternatives from outside.

{Sylvester Odhiambo}

Counsellor's take:

This is not an entirely bad situation as it is even though you may need to ask yourself a few questions which may include among others; (i) Has it always been like this or is this a recent development; (ii) Is he under some form of pressure; (iii) When you eventually get to do it, how would you rate the quality, and (iv) It would be good to take note of your ages (yours and his).

Generally, everybody likes to have and enjoy sex. It is actually a basic need and it ought to be adequately addressed to enjoy a balanced life. However, there is no benchmark for a healthy sex life in terms of how frequent or how long it should last because this is essentially dependent on the people involved.

If this has been the trend all through your marriage then you may have mismatched sexual needs and desires and this is something that would need to be worked on gradually. If this is a recent development, there could be a trigger for it.

For instance, when under stress, men usually want to have sex often and frequently. In most instances, it is usually poor quality sex that only lasts a few minutes because it is often being used as a release channel. So in men, stress could manifest itself through sex in two ways i.e. increased urge (with a focus on frequency rather than quality) and two, the absolute lack of it.

If his demands are high and the quality of the sex is somewhat above average or even very good then this could be a clear indicator of mismatched sex drive. Generally, men will have higher libido compared to women and this is essentially because both sexes usually look at and want sex for different reasons.

A man may want to have it as often as possible but this could be for different reasons apart from high libido. He could be insecure and would want to keep reassuring himself that his woman is always totally satisfied to reduce the risk of them straying which is often a futile argument.

Finally it could also have something to do with age because men and women reach their sexual peaks at different ages and for men, this remains relatively standard especially through mid-life. If you get to understand the underlying factors around this issue then this may not be a problem for you at all.

Nonetheless, see what you can do at least to meet him half way through this even though sometimes it means agreeing to it even if you may not be totally up to it – it helps.

{Taurus}