Hello,
I’m a woman in my early 30s and have been with my husband eight years. We have two young children. My problem is that I’m not in love with him anymore and I feel sick whenever I think about it – which is a lot.
He’s not doing anything wrong and is a great dad and a good husband, but the feelings I had for him just aren’t there, and it’s been especially obvious in lockdown.
I have spoken to him a bit about it and told him I wasn’t happy and felt unfulfilled.
As a result, he pulled out the stops to be attentive and romantic, and help out even more with the kids, but it hasn’t changed things for me.
It makes me sad because he’s trying his best, but I just feel numb to it all and it makes me feel so guilty.
I haven’t spoken to him about leaving, but I have confided in my mum and a couple of good friends who were upset by it and think I should give it another chance.
I don’t want to hurt him or disappoint anyone else, but I can’t help how I feel.
Can you advise?
Reply
I don’t think you’re a bad person, nor should you feel guilty about how you feel, I just think it’s a sad situation all round.
It sounds as if you love him as friend and a companion, but the romantic and physical side of things has gone.
It can sometimes be hard to get perspective when you’re in the middle of it and living under the same roof – and perhaps even more so at the moment with lockdown which is bound to make things feel even more intense.
Before throwing in the towel, you could try taking a break from each other to consider your options and see how you feel. But that might not be straightforward in the current situation.
You could also try online relationship counselling which, even if it doesn’t help you stay together, could ease a separation. However, when it comes to the decision whether to stay or go, I’m afraid only you can make it.
I’m sure your friends and family are upset for you and themselves, but they’re not living your life and you can’t stay in an unhappy marriage for other people.
If you really think it’s over for you, then it’s better to do something about it now than limp on because you don’t want to hurt him.
You’ll only become unhappy, which will eventually lead to a toxic atmosphere at home – and that’s not going to be good for any of you. Good luck.