I’ve been living with my fiancée for three years but things have taken a turn for the worst. For the last four months we have not been intimate. I have tried talking to her on many occasions but to no avail. However, she sex-chats other men and women right beside me even in our bedroom and I have even caught her watching lesbian porn. Whenever I get another girl in my life she becomes very hostile to them and drives them away. I now have a good lady who knows what I am going through. She has feelings for me and I am also falling in love with her even though I am scared of another relationship. I wonder if it is even possible for a woman to go for four months without sex. Should I take my other relationship to the next level? I have even tried getting professional help but she will not take it. Please advice... {Dan}
Your Take:
Dan, you may be the source of the troubles in that relationship. You have dated her for three years enjoying yourself, why haven’t you proposed to marry her?
Also, you are having another relationship outside and want to take that to the next level – why not take the current relationship to the next level? Your new catch is a testimony of infidelity on your part so you are also to blame for this. Tell her the truth and make a commitment to her.
{Alex Kimel, Uasin Gishu}
Maybe you need to re-examine your role in all this as you may actually be the cause. Do you excite her? Do you satisfy her sexually? Do you appreciate her as a woman? Maybe you are not fulfilling her needs hence she is left with no option but to turn to chatting as her only solace.
{John Musuku}
First of all, you need to address her as your wife because a lady who has lived with you for 3 years is not a fiancée. Could you be trying to justify why you are cheating on her? Have you tried to find out what is wrong with your current relationship before moving to a new relationship? Try and find out what the problem is instead of running away from it.
{Shelmith, Kerugoya}
Why are you judging her simply because she is not having sex with you? By staying in your house and sleeping in your bed, she is as intimate as she can get with you. If you feel hurt, then end the relationship and seek to heal your wounds elsewhere. I see no future for this kind of relationship.
{Nyadekuwabo Nyaboro, Mumias}
Sometimes we get into situations where we no longer have feelings for our partner. It seems your relationship is at this point. End this relationship because you can never force someone to love you if she sincerely does not. However, do not move immediately into a new relationship to give yourself time for healing.
{Calvin Queens}
Your relationship will soon turn sour. My advice is that you forget her. She is more of a lesbian than a girlfriend and the two of you no longer have feelings towards each other.
{Ojou Robert – Koyonzo}
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Do not rush into another relationship because this one is not working. She could be getting distractions from her friends hence her obsession with the sex chats. However, it is never too late for dialogue. Talk to her and find out if she is a lesbian and if she is move on with your life.
{Andrew Chaplin}
Counselor’s Take:
Here are some facts about your situation Dan; one, sex is important in any relationship if either or both parties want it; two, sex-chatting other men and women while in a relationship is indeed cheating; three, denying your partner sex for four months without any explanation is a definite indicator of arrogance and disregard for the other person, and four, watching porn and not having sex is an indication towards self-sexual gratification or like in this instance where it is lesbian sex – homosexuality.
If she is not willing to discuss this situation now and she is only your girlfriend then how will it be when she becomes your wife? An even greater worry is her tendency to chat with other people – which is already bad enough as it is said but when she does it right in your house and while sleeping next to you, then it illustrates contempt and total disregard for you.
If she is watching lesbian porn, then most likely she is inclined in that direction. However, please note that if both parties agree that having sex once a month is OK then it is quite in order. The importance of sex in a relationship is determined by the perceptions of either of both parties in the relationship.
As a matter of common sense, there are still some things that are keeping her attached to you; these could be social or economic benefits or others that she wants to hold on to and enjoy while it lasts. This is why she is keen on driving away any girl who as much as looks your way. My thinking is that she is not in this for the long haul. If she was, then despite having other interests she would bring herself to do it if only to satisfy you.
Do not be naïve to the fact that she could also be trying to end the relationship. As a matter of fact she may be wondering what is keeping you around despite her clear indications that she doesn’t want this. She may be waiting for you to read her mind and end the relationship – sometimes they can be very good at that.
On the basis of the facts you provided, I doubt that this relationship will make it to the end of the year. You may want to reflect on the situation and ask yourself if this is the kind of person or relationship you want to be tied on to for the rest of your life. {Taurus}