Dear Coleen
My husband has been having sex with prostitutes on and off for the past three years.
He has on a few occasions had “relationships” with one of these women – texting and writing that he loves her.
I have caught him so many times, yet for some reason I can’t leave my 11-year marriage.
I am going to get help and so is he, but I’m not sure how it will go.
One thing I can’t understand is that he hasn’t touched me or had sex with me in years.
He had a hip replacement and then hepatitis C so, for several years, I just thought he wasn’t up to it because of these health issues.
Then he was having a problem getting an erection.
As a loving wife, I just stood by his side until finding out three years ago about all these prostitutes.
I should add, he is also an addict, although this has only become a problem recently.
The question I need answered is this: why can he have sex with strangers but not his wife? What’s your advice?
Coleen says
You’re a very strong person.
Plenty of women would have walked out by now. It’s good you’re both seeking help.
You don’t say if it’s individual counselling or relationship therapy, but I’d recommend the latter.
You need to get the answers to your questions if there’s any hope of you staying together.
If he’s not honest about his reasons, then you can’t find the solutions to enable you to move on from it.
Having a mediator present allows each of you to have your say in a controlled environment. It might take several sessions, but if he commits to it, then great.
At the end of it, you may even decide that you don’t want to stay married to him.
He also needs help with his addiction – whatever that is.
But, as I’m sure you already know, that’s something he needs to deal with himself.
You can’t make him do that, although if he thinks he’s close to losing you, it might help him confront it.
I can’t tell you why he only has sex with prostitutes – hopefully the answer to that will come out during counselling sessions.
If he’s self-conscious about his physical problems, he might find is easier to have sex with strangers because they don’t know him and he never has to see them again. Or sex with prostitutes could also be part of his addiction.
What you have to decide is, can you move on from this and be happy as a couple?
You have to think carefully about your future and your long-term happiness.