How is it that when it comes to teens and their so-called issues, we concentrate on moaning about their bad attitude but turn a blind eye to how the caregivers respond? Is that not like victim blaming? Why do we so easily criminalise teenagers? Why do we want to turn them into puppets who can only do our will?
Granted, being around teenagers when they are in their prime can drive you up the wall and make you want to either harm them or yourself.
However, it is not like they are being malicious, or coming up with new teen behaviours – teenagers, from time immemorial, have not changed their modus operandi. You’d think by now we would know how to deal with teen rebellion but no, we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.
I have two teen girls who often test my patience and equally shock me. It is a silly admission because I really shouldn’t be shocked, or have my patience tested for that matter. Teens are just being typical teens when they are being smart-mouths or question authority, sleep too much, eat too much as they live alone, or like nobody else in the house needs food – the list is long, but you get the gist.
As a teen, I hated being told what to do – it was a sure way for me to find ways of doing the right opposite. Defiance comes naturally to teens. As a mother of teens, I know they hate it when I tell them what to do.
That is why I choose diplomacy, by laying all the cards on the table and having an open discussion. When I have to decide without involving them, I explain the reasons. Usually, it works and even when they get mad at me, it is synthetic.
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Often, parents look at teens as aliens. Very amusing because only a decade or two gone, these same parents were the aliens. This is selective amnesia because the same parents will remember, in detail, how they were the best students, usually a lie, but they will forget how they thought everyone in authority was clueless.
Parents are offended when a teenager wants to lock themselves in the room for hours as if they did not at some point want to be left alone. We could be real if we allowed ourselves to travel back in time. Perhaps then, we can treat our teenagers with the dignity they deserve, for instance by not shouting at them when they show a bad attitude.
When you shout at teenagers, all they hear is a dog bark – noise without a clear message. They are already having it bad enough while trying to work out how they are feeling and what they are feeling. They are trying to understand and deal with the emotional and the physical changes.
Shouting at them just makes them think there is something wrong with them. Being dictatorial makes them think they do not matter, which is the worst thing you can make a teenager feel. Teenagers are difficult; their so-called difficult behaviour is a cry for help when the hormones are overwhelming.
Allow them to gush to you about the boy or girl they have a crush on, then take the opportunity to speak to them about relationships. While at it, give an anecdote or two of your teen years, and once in a while tell about a mistake you made, even if it is made up, then use it as a cautionary tale. That way, they understand they are normal, but they have the advantage of learning from your mistakes.
We will not always get it right, and I do not write this piece as an authority on how to deal with teens. I write it from what has so far worked for me. Indeed, you can do all that is recommended by experts, and your teens can still go rogue, but you have a better chance of controlling them when you give them time to themselves, listen to their smallest complaints and show empathy. A lot of the feelings they have are beyond their control, and your job is not to make them feel terrible about it but to assure them that it is normal.