For some time now, my husband has been distant and cold to me. He has been withdrawn which is totally out of his character. Now I think the househelp is pregnant although she does not accept it when I ask. My neighbour once warned that there seemed to be something going on between them but I dismissed her since she is the queen of gossip and knows everything about everyone. However, I now suspect the pregnancy is his and have no idea what to do more so because I don’t want anyone to know about this. This girl is from my village and this can ruin many things for me if she is indeed pregnant. If she is, I would want her to go home quietly and leave my family in peace. Please tell me what to do. He is really not the man I married.
{Elsie}
What the readers say:
The writing is on the wall and as much as you say your neighbour is a rumour monger she may know what she is talking about. He has betrayed you and your marriage. Call a spade a spade here and share your thoughts with him. Otherwise there is a chance that she could easily become your co-wife so act now or else your marriage is doomed.
{Millicent Ochieng}
The pregnancy will soon be obvious and everyone will want to talk about it so start preparing yourself psychologically for that. Don't waste your time interrogating the girl on the issue and instead take her home and hand her over to her parents. In fact, tell her to accompany you home and use the opportunity to sort her out. Once it is obvious she is pregnant and your husband is responsible, you now have evidence enough, away from the girl, to discuss the issue with your husband within a sober environment.
{Tasma Saka }
She may be pregnant and she may not be pregnant and again it may be his or not his. Talk to your husband about this and explore all the possible solutions. You may also want to involve her in trying to find a solution through this also to get her thoughts. Be careful not to force her to do things that may be life threatening to her and then you live a life full of regrets.
{Onyango Outha}
If the girl is indeed pregnant with his child then just know that your husband has been lying to you and you have to deal with his betrayal, not with this girl. Getting rid of the girl will do nothing to solve your problem. You are stuck with a lying and cheating husband. Make up your mind and leave him or stay and watch him do it over and over again.
{Rina Mutwol}
Boke says:
Elsie, you claim not to believe your neighbour, the queen of gossip, yet you seem to have an elaborate plan on how to deal with the whole situation.
Again, this is a rumour. I do not understand why you have concluded that your husband’s silence is connected to your househelp being pregnant. Remember this is a pregnancy she is even denying. It would be prudent to establish the truth first. Otherwise, you could be stressing yourself over nothing. Or you could be misdirecting your efforts to the wrong task.
Silence or a general behavioural change can be caused by a number of things ranging from work-related stress, finances, unrealised desires and dreams or even health conditions.
Let’s assume your suspicion is correct. You are just concerned about your welfare and not that of the girl. It is as if you husband is the innocent victim. Looking at the boss-servant relationship that exists between your husband and the househelp, we can certainly say your husband used his position to take advantage of this girl.
You cannot just dump her in the village. She is needy and the pregnancy has worsened her situation. Someone should take responsibility for this. Think of the unborn child’s well-being and then you and your husband should come up with a humane plan.
You also seem so preoccupied by what people think or say about you and not what is really happening. The state of your relationship in this marriage is not good, looking at what has happened, but that does not seem to bother you. This is more urgent and crucial than concealing the pregnancy.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Simon says:
There are several things playing out here; one, is that something seems to have drastically changed in your marriage; two, in addition to your own suspicion, a third party once warned you about the possible existence of an illicit relationship between him and your househelp and three, even when confronted with some evidence, you are still not convinced about this. There is a principle that says in every rumour, there is some degree of truth.
So, your husband is out of character, your househelp seems to be pregnant but is vehemently denying it. It may not be practical to force her to do a pregnancy test but the good thing with a pregnancy is that it will still show when the time comes. For now, just observe some patience.
If she turns out to be pregnant, then you will need to engage with your husband to know if he knows anything about it. If it turns out he is responsible, then this is a situation that has the potential to change and ruin your marriage from now henceforth. All this depends on how you handle it.
First, you need to confront him with the facts and hear his side. Remember you have substantial evidence but it is good to hear his side and he may just come around. If he does (any man who can see the possible outcomes would) you need to help him to deal with this in the most suitable manner. Remember that if she is indeed pregnant and by him, you may need to just accept thing as they are since you will have no control over what will happen thereafter. In life, it is advisable not to worry too much about things you have no control over. However, before making any commitments, demand a DNA test.
If there has been an affair, a key fact in this situation is that she has to go. However, the mode of her leaving ought to be carefully thought out to ensure that she does not come back to revenge thereby making an already bad situation worse. If he could get her to go home first, you can think of the many ways to handle the situation from there. What is clear here is that the situation cannot be dealt with both of them living in your house and under your watch.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor