There is a Nairobian proverb that can be loosely translated to ‘the only good and reliable fundi is fundi wa nywele’ (barber/saloonist). You are done with them once they’re done with your hair despite the dandruff. But other fundis like carpenters, cobblers, plumbers and constructors are the most untrustworthy, unreliable human beings in a thousand kilometre radius. There is hardly any happy-ending story involving fundis and it’s not uncommon to involve Pangani Police.
We asked around for the most annoying habits that can make you ‘rinse’ your fundis neck and here goes…
1. ‘Kitanda bado frame, bwana’
Nothing is finished in time with fundis especially fundi wa mbao. Yet when they smell your cash, they can be overly ambitious. They will promise to work on your terms regarding the wooden bed, wardrobe or wall unit . But wololo! on the agreed day, Fundi Joram never touched a piece of wood. They always have excuses along the lines, “The hardwood is not currently available (and it is on the way coming in two days)” . Upshot, they will overstretch the deadline until you call a cop.
2. ‘Hata sikuwa na kazi.’
No fundi is ever busy before you give them an order for the coffee table. Actually, rarely do they have any orders. Until you place yours and you give them the deposit. Then Fundi Joram gets busier than a Safaricom customer care line, but not busy on your coffee table.
3. ‘Nilikua mazishi ya baba mdogo!’
Fundis are incorrigible liars. They will get your blood boiling. It is a vexing trait among all fundis. When not making disappearing acts, they switch their phones off or never pick your calls. They have a habit of killing imaginary family members since there is no excuse that begs sympathy (and buys time) like losing a loved one.
4. ‘Is this a Cupboard or drawer?’
Fundis don’t like pressure. Especially from women. Pressure only drives them to pick the poorest quality of wood or fabric and patching your work shoddily, and calling you to come and pick a cupboard, yet you ordered a sideboard.
5. ‘Cherahani haikuwa na uzi’
Tailors! you give them order for a wedding suit on Monday, but only start sewing the half-done thing as run the sewing machine with exaggerated urgency, once they see you popping on Friday evening. For some strange reason, they can hardly tell you when they will finish. The sewing machine is ever in shortage of the thread that matches your order!
6. ‘Problem with flush is mucakwe...eh, maize cob’
Plumbers are the best fiddlers on the roof. As soon as they fix a roof, it starts leaking again. Rarely, will they tell you the truth, that maybe the piping needs overhaul and not that the toilet can’t flush because of mucakwe, or maize cob, when you can’t recall ever flushing a maize cob in the loo! Their communal unspoken agreement to lie is the easiest way to keep oneself out of a job.
7. ‘Is this white, pearl or off-white?’
For colours that have different shades, fundis can be colour-blind. It is a fairly common practice to decide for you a colour, and force it on you. Having had a long protracted quarrel, you give in, panting.
8. ‘I’m the best there is…’
That is until they make you something that looks like what a 10-year-old would play with, (fire)wood.
9. ‘Fundi alienda wapi?’
Some fundis disappear upon pocketing huge deposits. They move to other workshops or to the countryside, and you’re left asking amused neighbours: “Fundi alienda wapi?”
10. ‘This is original mahogany!’
Many fundis will not blink when telling you how plywood is made from Meru Oak. The pretext of offering the best quality is to fleece customers. Always take that ‘mahogany, hardwood’ nonsense with a pinch of salt.’