Invite to Ex's wedding? Oh no, no thank you!

Just the other day, I saw a composed prince arriving in Kenya to attend his ex's wedding! To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Indeed, whoever said God cannot give you what you cannot handle was right. I put myself in his shoes and wondered if I would ever set foot in a church where an ex was saying "I do".

Let's just say I am still sitting on my high chair swinging my hanging legs back and forth still wondering. I know we are always told never to burn bridges, I say "Some bridges are better cremated!"

To all my exes reading this today, invite me to your wedding at your own risk. The fact that I walked away from the relationship without any unnecessary drama should not lie to you that I am not a drama queen. Baby, mimi ndio mama yao. We are in good terms, not because I am eyeing any seat in your wedding congregation, no. I am only nice because in this world, we have to coexist. So please, help me coexist by not inviting me to your wedding.

After I saw this courageous prince, I could not help but wonder what it would be like if any of my exes ever invited me to his wedding! Ah ah! Dear ex, do not tempt me, I am in good books with my maker and I would not want to spoil that. I am not made of steel, the heat in hell will not make me any better, I repeat, do not issue me a ticket to hell by inviting me to your wedding.

I remember my first ever ex when I was still a first year in college on field attachment. He just came to my office one time with two lunch boxes from a famous fast food joint. I hugged him and gestured him to an empty office so we could enjoy our meal as usual only for him to tell me the other lunch box belonged to my female colleague.

Thinking that he had been that good 'messenger', I beckoned my colleague who came swinging her hips like the Hippo that escaped from a zoo in Madagascar! She hugged my man and gave him a peck on his lips as I stood there like their security! I was given my lunch box and she was given hers, she opened it on the spot, she must have known what she was up to.

The well-manicured lettuce peacefully slept in between lamb chops and fries. I wanted to slap her but the ghost of my late parents must have handcuffed me using invisible cuffs. I found myself smiling and walking away and just like 'The Three Idiots', all I could whisper was "All is well".

I got to my desk and quickly opened my lunch box, yes, I was angry but you know hunger and anger go hand in hand. I wanted to get full first before I could digest what had just happened. I was already salivating hoping to see peaceful lamb chops staring at me only to meet a Black forest cake with the writings.

"It's over babe". I was only 21, yes, that is the only reason I still say he was lucky. At 21, his actions made me cry myself to sleep day and night as I remembered the look on both of their faces giggling when they saw me open my lunch box.

I remember calling him everyday apologizing for God knows what just so I could have him back. I even sent a rider with a fresh cake written, '"No letting go." Effects of the Wayne Wonder hit song during those days. Now I regret ever spending my money on the cake and the rider considering it was even a loan.

More than a decade down the line, I still pat myself on the back for not planning a revenge on him. Truly I am the bigger person here. This bigger person though will shrink terribly to a very small person if he ever gets the guts to invite me to his wedding because I know he is not married yet. Do not ask me how I knew.

Mr. Ex, do not try my patience in this era! Anytime you are about to contact me just remember that I have a best friend who practices bee keeping. They are African bees and boy, they can sting! Ask my current colleagues; we had to postpone our end year party last year because the bees thoroughly stung the two goats that we had safely tethered in my friend's compound waiting for the D-day.