Dear Coleen,
My fiancé and I are getting married next year and I’ve been in a really happy place, making the arrangements and getting excited about our wedding day.
However, about a week ago, he said he needed to have a serious conversation about something that’s been playing on his mind for a long time and he went on to admit that he’d slept with a friend of mine around the time we got together.
He says he didn’t think it was important to say anything at the time because we weren’t ‘official’ at that point and my friend has never said a thing to me in the three years since it happened.
I’m not sure what to think to be honest, but it’s definitely taken the shine off the wedding planning for me. I don’t know why either of them kept it a secret unless there’s more to it and they’re not telling me the whole truth.
I’m not sure what to do, but I can’t help feeling betrayed in some way. He obviously feels guilty and needs to get it off his chest before we get married.
Coleen says
I think you need to reframe it and think they didn’t tell you because there was nothing to it, so why rock the boat? Maybe your fiancé also realised he really liked you and thought you could have a future together, and didn’t want to admit to anything that might jeopardise that.
It obviously didn’t mean anything or they would have carried on and he wouldn’t have gone on to date you.
He wants to be upfront with you before the wedding and, in one way, I think that’s admirable – he wants to go into the marriage without any secrets. He loves you and doesn’t want anything to spoil this journey you’re about to go on – he wants honesty.
It doesn’t sound as if he’s said or done anything to make you suspicious since you’ve been together, but maybe ask him if there’s anything else he’d like to get off his chest before you walk down the aisle because you want total honesty when you’re married.
As for your friend, if she knew you liked him and still slept with him that’s breaking the girl code and would probably ring a few alarm bells for me. So maybe you need a bigger conversation with your friend.