You are in your late 20s or in 30s. You are so hot, your social media pictures have the potential of breaking the Internet. You have a great job, drive a serious car and live in an estate worth writing home about. Basically, you eat life with a big spoon.
But despite all these trappings, you just can’t seem get a man to marry you. “To get married this year” has regularly featured on you New Year resolutions for the last six years. All the men you attract only seem interested in you as a good-time girl or side chick.
Things are so bad that you no longer visit your rural home because your nosy aunts and granny keep asking why you are not married. You have tried to coax boyfriends to marry you in vain. You even tried to trick your last two boyfriends with pregnancies, hoping they will marry you, but wapi!
Not Wife Material
First, the basics. The reason you are not married is that you are not ‘wife material’, but the so called ‘the other material’. Painful, but true. Chances are you are a diva wannabe. Good thing is, you not alone. Like bad advice at the local bar, there is an influx of your ilk all over. So you actually are in great company.
You have some illusionary expectations from men. You are high on you own supply, have unrivalled self-entitlement and your ‘me-me-me’ attitude leaves no room for a relationship to thrive. You are so insecure that all your relationships always swing between suspicion and denial.
FEMINISM MADNESS
You are a drama queen who is desperate for attention, so much that any small disagreement with your potential suitors ticks you off. You are choosy and sneer at men, especially those you suspect are from low-income brackets whenever they hit on you.
You have a wrong perception about men, which bounces off even the well-intentioned ones. You imagine that all that men want from you is sex. Just because one man broke your heart, it doesn’t mean all are rogues.
You’ve refused to be nice to men and have let the feminism madness get into your head. So much that you now seem to have something personal against all men.
To you, any man who speaks his mind and doesn’t openly show solidarity with women is sexist. You are cute, curvy but so dumb that men have to suppress yawns when listening to you talk because you are not just apathetic conversationalist, but shallow.
Chances are you look cute and intelligent when quiet, but you insist on running your mouth and arguing, especially when you have nothing sensible to say. Girl, there are times when silence is golden. You are unapproachable and your general body disposition is antisocial and puts off men. You never smile; the permanent sneer on your face could be your major undoing.
Pathetic Homemaking Skills
You have reduced all your potential suitors into ATMs of sorts. To you, a man is only as good as the last gift he bought you, the amount of pocket money he gave you or the bills he settled on your behalf.
Sadly, despite your outrageous demands, chances are you have pathetic homemaking skills, you are a big joke in the kitchen and clumsy between the sheets. Succinctly put, you don’t measure up on the average man’s coast-benefit analysis.
You are ignorant and primitive, but instead of being humble, you constantly try to come off as sophisticated and it always backfires big time. That’s why when on dates, you order for most expensive meals and those with complicated names, just to look cool.
For instance, in your desperate endeavours to come off as sophisticated, you once picked ‘baked zea mays, steamed brassica oleracea, served with rostronobela argentia fried in coconut oil and peppered with Bombay chilies’ on the menu while on a date at an Italian Restaurant, only to be brought ugali, omena and Sukuma wiki much to your shock. But you never learn, do you?
No Perfect Gentleman
Woman, where is your endurance and humility? Your diva tendencies like demanding pink champagne at low budget eateries where one is lucky to get cold beer sell you as anything, but wife material. Need I mention that the perfect gentleman you are looking for is nonexistence? Oh yeah, the tall dark and handsome man you are looking for only exists in your head. Grow up and get over such trivialities and fairy tales.
You are needy and forever in distress; each time you call or send text message, you are always asking for help (mostly financial). Your potential dates are forever in ‘superman mode’; always diffusing crisis after crisis. Yes, men like being chivalrous, resourceful and having their utility felt by their women, but you, ptho, are too much.
Girl, unless you work on your personality, particularly your social skills this year, forget marriage. Someone to please correct me if I am right.