Dear Coleen
I’m a 21-year-old woman with a lovely boyfriend who I’ve been dating for five years.
The problem is I’m scared of sex so am still a virgin. My friends say I should have done it by now but I’m scared of the pain.
My boyfriend is very kind and told me I don’t need to push myself but I don’t want to disappoint him or lose him.
I’m really scared it will ruin our relationship. What shall I do?
Coleen says
First of all, your friends are wrong. There is no set time you should lose your virginity. You should have sex when you feel ready, not because of pressure.
And it’s good you’ve never felt pushed into it. So many young people do and end up regretting it or having hang-ups later on.
OK, let’s look at the positives. Your boyfriend sounds fab. He’s not putting pressure on you and you have a loving relationship.
The problem is that by avoiding sex you’ve built it up into a massive problem in your head, fuelled by rumours and stories about people’s first time. It should not be painful. It certainly wasn’t for me.
Zone out all those thoughts and just focus on you, your own body and trust your boyfriend.
Build up to it slowly each time you make love, getting a little closer each time, and try to relax and enjoy it. If you feel it’s become a phobia then perhaps counselling could help.
When I was young I was terrified of kissing and if a boy went to kiss me I’d instantly finish with him – I constantly worried about banging heads or noses!
But then I met a lovely guy and we kissed and it felt right.
Suddenly everything fell into place. Once you get over that hurdle of the first time, things will fall into place for you.