The topic:
I am 20 and have dated this guy who is 27 for two years now. All this time I have never known where he stays or any of his family members. We only meet and stay in hotels and whenever I ask to know where he stays he just gives me funny excuses and says we shall go there someday. I love him very much but I don't understand why he behaves like this. He says that his family is in their rural areas and that he has very few friends who I have never met. Please help me understand him. He has promised to marry me.
{Evelyn}
What the readers say:
Evelyn two years is a very long time to date someone and not understand them. If you have not understood him, you will never understand him. Further, you say that you love him but he has neither shown you his home nor introduced you to his close relatives and friends. I read mischief here and I can tell you straight that he is not serious with this relationship. He is only using you for the moment then he will leave you stranded.
{Ojou Robert}
He evidently has his fears which may include you. Work to make him trust you and share his fears with you. It is not too late to learn about him but you will need to meet his friends so you can know more. Keep a distance from his friends though.
{Tasma Saka}
The writing is on the wall – this guy is married and he has a family and that is why he takes you to hotels so don't be fooled. Simply ask him where he lives and tell him to take you there. You could be dating a thug or a man who is putting up with friends. Do you know what he does for a living? Investigate or ask someone to do this for you otherwise cut loose from this relationship, it could get you into a lot of trouble.
{Onyango Outha}
It is him you love, not his house, his family or where he comes from. If he has promised to marry you, thank God and be patient as many ladies are yearning for that. Maybe there are a few issues he wants to sort out before he introduces you home. Remember love conquers all.
{Aseri Dick}
Simon says:
Evelyn it must be frustrating how he has kept dodging you over issues that are relatively very simple and anybody in your situation would be just as anxious. However, even with this there are a few things we need to put into perspective as we help you through this. To start with, it is clear that he is taking you for a ride.
There is no way a person can be in a relationship with another for two years yet they have never met any of the partner's family or friends. This is not by chance; it is simply a case of someone who wants to remain anonymous by providing you with as little information as possible about them.
Having reflected about this situation for some time, I will bring in another critical dimension about your situation – the age factor. You are 20 and he is 27. The five-year age difference is indeed reasonable but we need to think critically about this. Going by his age of 27, it is probable that me may either already be married or in a serious relationship.
This could explain the anonymous profile he wants to assume. If he is single and serious about this relationship, he would naturally be excited and keen to show you around to all and sundry. Within this age group, young men are usually very excited about the ladies they are serious about and they assume a totally different profile than he is displaying.
Lastly, you are at the tender age of 20 and this may pose a somewhat complex problem on your part. At 20 you have very little experience about relationships and are most certainly not ready for marriage. Slow down Evelyn and give yourself time to grow physically and emotionally. You should not be in a hurry to get married because that is a long-term commitment.
At that rate, men will often take advantage of you like he seems to be doing and then leave without a trace. Take time to date, to make new friends, to allow for life to take its normal course and you will find the right partner and get married to him at the right moment. A man who promises you marriage even before showing you where he lives or introducing you to some of his friends and family members is only taking you for a sweet ride.
Boke says:
The dating period is a time for partners to get to know each other before finally settling down into marriage. A lot of openness and honesty is necessary at this stage. It is understandable for the two of you to keep your relationship away from the public until you are sure of the progress, two years is a long time. Remember it is away from the public and not away from each other.
Your boyfriend is most certainly hiding something from you. This could be because of varied reasons. He is probably not comfortable enough to let you know who he truly is. Most likely his negative side. Two years is sufficient time for him to have made up his mind on whether to be with you or not. To have not met any of his friends or relatives is suspect.
I sense your boyfriend could be taking you for a ride. His secrecy is alarming and we have no choice but to let our imagination play its part. Unfortunately our imagination can only be negative. Could it be that he has no house of his own and could be patching with friends? Something that he is ashamed of. Could he be living a life of crime thus you become part of the secrets?
It is also possible that keeping you away from his friends and family is a way of isolating you from any connection. This gives him lots of power over you and leaves you vulnerable to all forms of abuse.
There is also a great possibility that your boyfriend is married and has a family within that very town leaving you to live a clandestine life. All these speculations should provoke you to demand for openness and query his way of operation with you.
Otherwise there are enough danger signals to be weary of. Stop this blind following.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counselling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.