Dear Coleen
I’m hoping you can help me. My sex life with my fiancee has hit an all-time low. I can count myself lucky if we make love once a month. She is never keen and has become very boring in bed. We used to have a good sex life but things have deteriorated dramatically.
I have tried to talk to her about our problem but she accused me of bullying her, adding that an exciting love life “just isn’t her”.
I feel rejected and have lost confidence. I am angry with her because this issue is not being addressed and, as a result, it is festering inside me.
She says she loves me all the time, which just confuses me further as I think she does, but then she makes no effort whatsoever between the sheets.
I have also talked about fantasies to try to spice up our lovemaking but all I get is, “I can’t think of anything”.
We are supposed to be getting married this year and the wedding is all she talks about.
She is obsessed with the preparations but doesn’t seem to care about much more important issues like a healthy love life and solid relationship.
Have you any advice?
Coleen says
Yes – do not get married until you’re satisfied that you’ve sorted out this problem. That is my most important bit of advice. If she seriously thinks her wedding is at risk, then she’ll agree to have an honest discussion about your relationship and your love life (or lack of).
Of course you’re right, the most important thing here is whether you are right for each other long term and whether your relationship is on solid ground, not one day of celebrations.
As lovely as a wedding is, it’s one day and the following day you wake up and have to get on with the business of spending your life together. And what happens when all the preparations are out of the way and she has to get down to everyday life?
Maybe she’s feeling pressured. Tell her that is not your intention but, however, you can’t accept going through life with no or very little sexual intimacy.
Maybe your sex drives aren’t in sync and never will be. It would be fine if neither of you was that bothered about sex, but that’s not the case.
I don’t doubt that she does love you, but she must accept that while sex isn’t important to her, it is to you, and if you are to be together you have to find some sort of balance.
You can’t just accept this and marry her pretending everything is great when it’s not. You’d be heading for the divorce courts before the ink is dry on your marriage certificate.