How can I make my marriage work?

How can I make my marriage work? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

All my married friends tell me I need to work on my marriage. But what does that even mean? I'm not sure I believe them. So what should I do?

Working?

Chris says,

Hi Working?

Most of us run our marriages on autopilot, somehow expecting everything to fall into place naturally. But it takes time and effort to understand and appreciate your partner.

So always put each other first, be honest and trustworthy, choose friends who support you as a couple, and spend a lot of time together.

Get to know each other's goals, hopes and fears and use them to create a common purpose.

Be as kind as you can to each other. Always be warm to each other, even when you don't agree. It's not hard, just smile a lot, touch each other, nod or grunt to show you're listening, give gentle compliments and do small chores for each other.

Most couples fight so that one wins and the other loses. Instead, work to find solutions where you both win. It's easier to do this if you avoid ambushing each other on issues and give yourself plenty of time to prepare for the discussion.

Make a point of responding to each other when one of you asks for attention. For example, listen to him vent about his bad day rather than insist on watching your film. It may not seem like much, but the marriage will unravel if you keep turning away from each other.

It's all too easy to focus on each other's negatives and miss the positives. The endless little things he does that annoy you, for example.

Happy couples learn to ignore the bad moments and focus on the good. So if he's in a bad mood one morning, don't make a big deal out of it. Just ignore it. Then, when he does something nice, comment on it. Guess what will happen? He'll do more of the good things and less of the bad things.

It's all much easier than you think!

All the best,

Chris