Why do I just attract married men?

Why am I only attracted to married men? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

I don't know why, but I always seem to end up with married men. Somehow, whenever single guys show an interest in me I hardly even notice them.

But whenever I do feel something for a guy, he turns out to be married. I need to get out of all this, because it's getting me nowhere, and it isn't fair on the guys' partners, of course. But how do I do this?

Only Married Men

Chris says,

Hi, Only Married Men!

You ought to feel attracted to a wide variety of different guys, so if you find that you're always going for the same sort of man, then there's definitely something going on. And the reason usually goes back a long way.

Because as adults we subconsciously tend to seek out emotional situations matching those we experienced in our childhood. So if your parents weren't around much for you then you're used to feeling ignored, and subconsciously seek partners who neglect you. While if your parents fought, you're likely to end up with someone who fights with you.

So why are you always falling for guys who are married? Once is just bad luck. But fall for several and you're definitely deliberately choosing them. Only lighting up for guys who show signs that they're married - like being a little more confident - so they're the ones who approach you.

But why? Probably because of things that happened during your childhood. For example, if either of your parents is cold or distant, then you're unconsciously selecting the men who can't be there for you either.

You're also likely to end up choosing married men if you've become scared of intimacy. Perhaps because you were physically or emotionally abused by a past lover. Subconsciously you don't want anyone to get close to you again. So you opt for the men who can't.

What should you do? Well, start by thinking about your earlier relationships, and your childhood. Does any of it seem relevant to how your partners make you feel now? Consciously start avoiding guys who fit with any pattern you see from your past.

Make a point of only mixing with people who are nice to you and up your small talk skills. So you'll pick up whether a guy's married in the first few minutes and can let things drop if he is.

Write down all your attitudes, values, and the sort of things you like doing. That's exactly what you want in a partner! Drop anyone after the first few dates if they aren't a pretty good match with your list. And before you know it, you'll be dating Mr. Right!

All the best,

Chris