I'm dating an expat who hates everyone, what am I missing?

He’s also very critical of everyone and seems reluctant to socialise with my friends. What can I do to help him? (Photo: Gemini)

Hi Chris!

I’m dating a really nice expat I met at work. He’s very good at his job but seems stressed and even a little depressed. He’s also very critical of everyone and seems reluctant to socialise with my friends. What can I do to help him?

Stressed Expat

Chris says,

Hi Stressed Expat!

Living somewhere new is much more difficult than people imagine. Because when we relocate, we lose a whole range of social cues from everyday life. The words, gestures, facial expressions and customs that tell you how things are done, like what to say when you meet people, when to take comments seriously and when not. They’re as much a part of our culture as our language or beliefs; we unconsciously learn them as children, and once learned, they become a way of life.

But when you move, no matter how similar everything seems, all that information’s missing. So, coping with life in a new location is tricky. And somehow no one else seems to care. They help, but don’t understand. 

And that’s probably what’s happening with your expat. He thinks everyone’s unsympathetic and insensitive. So he doesn’t like them and becomes critical about everything. He’s aware that he doesn’t know how to do things and may well be becoming depressed. He probably also feels inadequate, has unnecessary concerns over cleanliness or health, worries about being exploited or abused, and gets angry out of proportion over minor difficulties. And is reluctant to interact with other people.

Things will gradually improve. He’ll still have difficulties, but his sense of humour will recover. Instead of criticising people, he’ll start making jokes about them, or even about himself. He’ll start getting around without feeling anxious most of the time. And, eventually, as he picks up the new cues, he’ll understand not just what people are saying, but exactly what they mean. He’ll not only understand their habits, customs, and the unfamiliar things they eat and drink, but actually begin to like them.

So be patient. Most expats experience these difficulties. Be supportive and he’ll gradually get over them.

All the best,

Chris