What do I do after impregnating my wife's best friend?

In relationships, loyalty is all about honesty, trust, and commitment. It means sticking with your partner through good times and bad times, even when this isn't easy.

In some circumstances, the loyalty is lost, trust is eroded and this leaves the partners at a cross-road on whether to come clean-or hide the truth further.

Every mid-week, we publish on our Facebook page (Standard Digital) a relationship Dilemma from our audience.

It is simple, in case you are in a relationship and faced with a dilemma on how to make certain decisions, send us a message on our Facebook page and we will share it with Kenyans.

Below is the story we shared last Wednesday, February, 16, together with sampled responses from some of our readers and input from a social expert.

Hi-Standard,

I’m in deep trouble. I am 39 years old, living and working in Nakuru.

I recently had a fling with my wife’s friend, and she’s now pregnant. She says she’ll keep the pregnancy, and wants me to be present in the child’s life. I have no problem with providing, but I fear my spouse, 34, whom I love very much, will find out.

The affair started as a joke. The woman would visit my wife often. On days that my wife was away, she’d stay around waiting for her to arrive. It was during the wait that we started flirting. She told me that she was single and that she wouldn’t mind being intimate with me.

I must have taken the joke too far, and I now regret that I could lose my 7-year marriage. I know my wife well; she wouldn’t forgive me for cheating. What should I do? Should I confess and wait for whichever consequence?

Readers' Responses

Kenyans who came across the post on our official platform on Facebook had the following opinions on the matter.

Daniel Salim Ong’ong’a Akello: You can't have your cake and eat it. You will reap what you sow. If your virility is a problem, don't use it in your own home with strangers, otherwise, marry a second wife and make it known.

Sylus Ouma: Now see what Westernisation has brought to us. A real African man should not be remorseful for such endeavours. As long as she is not someone's wife, you haven't committed any crime as per our African traditions. Be African bwana

Jeniffer Maina: Nowadays I don't know what love is. I will just advise you to let your wife know from you because eventually, she will know from someone else. Accept that you made a mistake and be ready for everything. As you seek God’s forgiveness she might also forgive you.

Kui Thige: Whether she forgives you or not, her trust in you will never be the same again.

Amy Kay Andati: You love your wife so much and you still cheat on her. Maybe you should understand the real meaning of love. I cry for my generation. May God forgive us and heal our land.

Lydia Sambu: You loved your wife so much and cheated with her friend and the worst thing is that you are expecting a child together, the early the better for her to know before she gets information, but things will never be the same again, pray hard bro.

Cavin O. Mbata: Since sweetness was more strong than love, just confess, lose your lover and enjoy her friend. Thank you

Mossy Wa Kanyiri: Whatever you did was absolutely wrong. Never be intimate with your wife's friend. Respect her friends deeply. Do not try to confess. You will live under her mercies and this will make a bad situation worse.

Paulo Effrayant: Spare us this nonsense, just stay put. If your wife notices and decides to leave, go ahead and marry her friend. By the way, if she is pregnant for you, she already is your wife by default 

Roselyn Oside Savulane: It's best if she hears it from you. It will be painful and heartbreaking if it comes from the friend because you don't know how the friend will put the situation. And again what makes you think she doesn't know and she's actually giving you a chance to come clean? The consequences will be even worse, if you love your wife and you want her to forgive you, let it come from you.

Expert’s opinion

Dr Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.

Life is characterised by the duality of good and bad; right and wrong; truth and lies; trust and mistrust etc.

Your dilemma is whether to tell or not to tell bad news. Human beings are generally rational, calculating creatures.

You should ask about the wisdom of confessing your mischief to your spouse. You are right that she would not forgive you and more certain she will never forget.

If you confess be ready to live with the consequences of losing her or having to be mistrusted and suspected all the time. Like they say, once a cheat, always so.

If your conscience would not harm, and I think it will not, because you are not regretting the extramarital affair then it is rational, within our current cultural context to refrain from the confession.

In Kenya today, there are so many of us born out of incest or rape and telling us the truth will add no value to our lives. To be a man in today's world is also much harder when it comes to confessions.

An old study found out that 60 per cent of married women in Nairobi had a child out of wedlock. This should not shock much because in some ethnic groups in Kenya it was acceptable for a married woman to have a child out of wedlock.

Generally, women do better in secrecy or confidentiality. So the man from Nakuru, do you think if it is your wife who went out and got pregnant with another man she would be having the same question that you have?

And would you rather she told you the truth or not?

Finally, if you choose to see her or another woman again, please ensure one of you uses a condom for the sake of the potentially 'fatherless' child.

If the woman asks you to be a baby donor, please ensure both of you undergo health tests.

We need to reduce the heavy burden we, as a country, carry with respect to traditional STIs, HIV, hepatitis, cervical cancer-causing HPV and most certainly others that a medical doctor is better suited to advise.