One home, two worlds: Raising children with different fathers

Picture Sarah; a single mother raising two sons, Dan and Max. Her mornings start at 5.30 am with making breakfast and getting the boys ready for school. By 7.30, she is off to work, where she has strict deadlines. Throughout the day, her phone buzzes with notifications, reminders for parent-teacher meetings and a doctor's appointment.

By 3 pm, she is back on the school run to pick up the children. Then it is a balancing act between supervising homework, preparing dinner and getting the boys ready for bed. She stays up late, catching up on work or enjoying a rare moment of peace with her favourite Netflix show. Phew!

But what this account fails to mention is the emotional toll this hectic schedule takes on Sarah. Her boys have different fathers, and she has to deal with harsh and unfounded social judgements.

Around the world, single mothers raising children from different fathers find themselves in a complex web of parenting styles.

These include consistency in discipline, dealing with children's emotional needs, especially when issues of paternity arise, and balancing financial support when there are differences in each father's ability to provide. And what happens, for example, when the well-off father lavishes his child with treats while the other child is left in the lurch?

"Mothers who have children with more than one father experience increased stress and mental health problems and lower parenting quality than mothers who have children with only one father," according to studies conducted in the United States and published by the National Institutes of Health.

The emotional toll on these children is not unexpected either, according to the studies. "Children with half-siblings exhibit more depression, poorer school performance and more delinquency than children with only full siblings."

We put six scenarios to Cheryl Mwangi, a counselling psychologist with Kidsalive Kenya, that a single mother with two children from different fathers might face.

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1. How can she apply the rules of two different fathers consistently?

The mother is the primary caregiver and should be equally responsible for both children as they are her children under one roof. Other factors that determine treatment or involvement are the age difference, the developmental level of the children and the mother's awareness or knowledge of intentional parenting.

According to the Children Act 2022, both parents are responsible for the emotional, physiological, financial and social well-being of the children, regardless of the fathers' status, be it financial or otherwise. The well-being of the child should be paramount.

2. How will she cater for the emotional needs of two children who are aware of their different circumstances?

Children are observant, smart and always the first to pick up on negative vibes, especially from people who make them feel unwanted. She needs to be an active, present parent, with a lot of wisdom about parenting.

She needs to be vulnerable with each child, showing empathy and caring, and dealing honestly with the issues that arise at each stage of development. These actions should help the child to feel loved and to develop a sense of belonging.

This does not mean that there will be no conflict, but when there is, the environment should be safe enough for the child to express how they feel about the situation.

The mother should be aware enough to help each child process and not justify the actions or behaviours that are unfolding in the child's life.

3. If one of the fathers contributes something substantial while the other is a deadbeat, how will she balance the unequal remittance from the two men?

If I were her, I would put all my eggs in one basket and parent equally. A mother should not be coerced into favouring one child over another.

If she is unable to maintain an equal standard for both children, the stigma can follow the disadvantaged child for life and he or she will grow up feeling inadequate and unworthy.

It is a painful wound from which the child may never truly recover, as well as causing tension between mother and child, and sibling rivalry.

4. How can she handle societal stigma?

Social expectations cause many single mothers to suffer in silence. Those who have not walked in their shoes and experienced their struggles have no right to dictate how they live their lives or the decisions they make for the welfare of their families.

A single mother in these circumstances should build a strong support system around her and her children, have clear boundaries and not compromise to fit in. Her maternal instinct is to protect her children from any danger or harm.

5. How will she deal with sibling relationships?

A child who is disadvantaged and has no say in the existing dynamic will feel some sense of anger, rejection, resentment and jealousy towards the other sibling.

Such negative feelings are valid. Some passive, aggressive behaviour will be exhibited, but it is up to the mother to see the motives behind the behaviour and address them accordingly.

She can have a conversation with the parent whose actions are dividing the family unit and agree on a compromise that meets the needs of both children.

If it is difficult for the said father to adapt, then it is the mother's role to regulate and manage the situation that is causing disunity among her children.

6. How will she juggle custody issues?

If the court system has imposed visitation rights, the mother is obliged to obey them. Both parties should take responsibility for spending time with the child.

If both parties are expected to spend time with the father, she has no right to deny this. But such situations should be well explained to the children. Honesty is important when it comes to parenting in this generation.

It takes a lot of strength and resilience for a single mother to cope with these challenges. Support systems, both formal and informal, are crucial.