Pssst… the red carpet, please, Tinga is in town!

Peter Kimani

From the politics of toilets to the spectre of women stripping; threats of mass action to mass resignations – the week had all the hallmarks of what Wole Soyinka calls the season of anomy.But what captured our imagination the most, although it eventually fizzled out as a hoax, was the rumour that a group of women would strip to display their naked anger at Martha Karua’s resignation as Justice minister.

Some whispers even suggested the good minister might join. In times of crisis, I was reminded, anything can be said, so I treated the claim about Tinga complaining about flying toilets as a rumour.

Initially, the story was that Tinga had flown to Mombasa to look for a toilet, but some malicious fellows coined this into "flying toilets."

For those who may not know, such toilets entail someone relieving themselves on polythene bags then hurling them so far as to make Olympic javelin champions look like toddlers’ stunts. Such toilets largely exist in Kibera slums, which fall in Tinga’s Langata constituency.

Twinkle in the eye

I found this troubling as Tinga could not possibly engage in such antics. In fact, the thought was disrespectful enough. But I believed the story when I heard Transport minister Chirau Ali Mwakwere respond to Tinga’s toilet quest.

"Kama Waziri Mkuu anataka choo, tutamtengenezea katika kila constituency ili astarehe. Akitaka hata kwa gari lake tutamtengenezea…" (If Tinga so loved toilets, we shall build them in all constituencies and in his car that he may enjoy), Mwakwere said with that characteristic twinkle in the eye.

But let’s not trivialise this issue. Tinga’s core role as the Prime Minister is to supervise the functions of Government ministries and a majority of the male members of the Cabinet obviously suffer ill health the symptoms being distended bellies.

Dingy dungeons

Further considering the amount and regularity of food intakes, as affirmed in the Finance ministry’s accounts on food and refreshments, the need for toilets cannot be overstated.

I can empathise with the honourable members because there are those calls that come without knocking, particularly when one well is fed.

Like rhythms of nature, the wind blows to pull in the rain clouds, usually accompanied by claps of thunder before unleashing furious rains.

Finally, Tinga must not be treated "hivi hivi" (lightly) as though he is not a VIP. The red carpet should be mandatory in all government functions, like the one he attended early in the week in Mombasa.

After all, what would Tinga have been fighting for all these years – nine of which were spent in the dingy dungeons of Kamiti?

His story must not end like that of many freedom fighters, whose toils went unrequited and unrecognised. Tinga is a hero who truly deserves the red carpet treatment.

Nagging doubts over Harambee

Harambee Stars’ Technical Director Patrick Naggi believes their loss to Tunisia recently had something to do with a person playing ngware (unfairly).

Why, Naggi thinks the unnamed man, working in cahoots with others who remained invisible through the day, conspired with the forces of nature to produce conditions that slowed down Naggi’s boys.

Naggi has a very persuasive argument: How come the rains only descended upon kick off, and the skies cleared shortly after the final whistle?

How could the combined efforts of churchmen and women, and even the prediction of the Metrology Department, have come to nought, only for the heavens to open when the Stars wanted to shine?

These are legitimate questions that should help Antoine Hey understand that metaphysics and primitive rituals supersede other sciences in soccer.

In that connection, Naggi should consider importing some waganga from Tanzania or God-knows where.

Further, Naggi must take steps to protect Hey from such evil men by organising some rituals to ensure natural arsenals are neutralised before landing on his head.

He shouldn’t forget protective amulets for the squad…

Let Ruto take a walk

Agriculture Minister William Ruto has launched a Freedom From Hunger initiative.

I don’t I understand what that is all about, just as I don’t understand what business any Kenyan would have donating to the ministry – if it is the target.

Why, nobody is yet to explain what happened to the grain reserves at the National Cereals and Produce Board.

Mr Ruto insists the grains at NCPB were managed by the Special Programmes ministry and the PM’s office by virtue of Tinga chairing the food security committee.

He should tell that to the birds. Or did the birds eat the grains, too?

In fact, the grain issue should be his focus for the next few years, rather than waste time issuing tirades against the former Justice Minister Martha Karua.

The fact that Ruto launched an initiative against famine when it is his business to ensure farmers grow enough for us to eat and store should be proof enough of his failures and forever keep his peace. Like Ms Karua, he should take a walk.

QuickRead

Mum is word for Prezzo

It must be frustrating for Prezzo’s critics. They rant till they foam at the mouth, issuing all manner of threats and epithets. But when the man returns home, he simply urges them to live in harmony and stop hurling abuses. Prezzo appears unmoved by everything, unless of course someone insinuates that he has more than one wife. This gets him into such foul mood, he address the media immediately.

Mass action or political inertia?

ODM Secretary General Anyang’ Nyong’o is a professor of political science, which means some simple minds like yours truly may not understand the true meaning of his words. Take the prof’s coded message, "parliamentary and non-parliamentary means," for instance. Some said the party was contemplating announcing mass action this weekend at the burial of their comrade’s sister. Now they have changed the script and blame us for not being bright enough to interpret things. So what did Nyong’o have in mind? Unleashing the Mungiki?

Crocodile man’s twisted logic

It is equally puzzling what the mamba (crocodile) eating man of Tana River Danson Mungatana had in mind when he resigned from Medical Services ministry in solidarity with his boss at the Flower Party, Martha Karua. Actually, Karua was elected on PNU, not Narc-Kenya, so Mungatana’s logic is utterly twisted.

Keep it low, Minister Michuki

Action Man John Michuki has launched a new campaign titled Noise Pollution, and promises to get rid of all noise makers in the next six months. Naturally, he has his sights on the matatus (what does he have against them?) before moving to street preachers and others. We hope he shall have the laws ratified, and that he keeps his voice low. The ramifications of his rattlings are quite loud, you know.