My lover is hitting on my daughter, which way forward?

Our social lives and relationships are faced with a number of challenges; especially when a major decision is supposed to be made.

On Wednesday, April 27, (after our series took a break during the holidays) we published, on our Facebook page – Standard Digital – a relationship dilemma by a woman who met a new man, whom she feels more comfortable with, a month after her engagement.

Hi-Standard,My name is Anna. I am 43 years old, a mother of one adult daughter aged 22.I have a 37-year-old boyfriend who visits me often, around twice a week.When he first saw my daughter, who I’m living with, he told me that she’s beautiful, and I took his comment as a harmless compliment.However, I have come to learn that he’s also eyeing my child.The girl recently told me that there was something bothering her. When I enquired, she said she won’t reveal much, but only said: ‘talk to Chris’. Chris is my partner.I suspect he’s hitting on my girl, which is making her uncomfortable.I don’t know how to confront him, given I don’t have concrete evidence to prove that he’s actively pursuing the girl. What should I do?

READER’S RESPONSES

Jescalinah Muchiri: What is concrete evidence? You have already been told by your daughter to talk to him as a mother you should know what she means.

Gachiku Waigwe: The fact that your daughter is uncomfortable is reason enough for you to go.

Mercy De Great: Sad to say but they are both adults. On the other hand, your child could be acting like her again while Chris is taking advantage of her teen stage. Just talk to your daughter and end whatever thing you have with Chris before things get out of hand. If your daughter is smart enough, respects herself and loves you then I believe she will listen to you and hit your advice. Just talk to her woman to woman, don't scold her or hurl insults at her or express your regrets and disappointment sentiments toward her, just talk to her woman to woman in a very calm understandable, reasonable and mature manner. She will take it positively and corrective way. Good luck!

Ann Ciku: Your child should always come first... Again why take a man into your house if he's not the father of your daughter? meet elsewhere, visit his place or hotel, MY CHILD MY PRIORITY

Betty Murugi: Trust your girl mama and talk to the so-called Chris or better still end the relationship as soon as possible. Your girl is honest and loves you unlike Chris. What more evidence do you need?

Clive Koske: Your daughter is very wise. Listen to her carefully...

Mutwiri O Kaigongi: Don't allow your daughter, your mother in law, your relatives or anyone to spoil your relationship. Furthermore, at 22 that girl should be out of her mother's house. Let her get her house and move so that Chris is comfortable spending more than the 3 days. To be sincere, don't lose Chris without a shred of convincing evidence. There are very few men out there who are 37 and willing to date beautiful ladies of 43.

Nicklas Wabwire: I have come to realise that parents are the ones misleading this generation. First, can you hear yourself saying "boyfriend" in the first place "coming to my house" and in the sight of your daughter. Already you have shown her the way. I'm sorry for this but I would prefer if you can't control the urge for physical intimacy you better just get someone and settle otherwise you'll be teaching your daughter to get pregnant and decide to get the so-called boyfriend and life goes on. If you continue with this pattern the word of God says... Matthew 18:6 “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Emelda Njoki: Make a choice, your daughter or Chris.

Raphael Okwama: You have a 37-year-old boyfriend who is still single at that age, you are in trouble. The fact that you call him your boyfriend even makes it worse. That is a man friend, not a boyfriend. {Huyo ashakula pension ya ujana na bado unamwita kijana. Hio ndio ile sampuli hawezi ona skirt} Trust me and kindly keep your daughter far away from him., you will thank me later.

EXPERT’S RESPONSE

Dr Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.

Hello Anna,

It is understandable that you have a partner to walk through the journey of life with.

If, however, he is hitting on your daughter, then you should have parted ways much earlier and latest today.

The sexual attraction is much more triggered by familiarity than any rational consideration.

Although the two of you are not married, it's good to know that the Kenya Sexual Offences Act defines the sexual relationship with a step-daughter as incest and imposes a prison term of not less than 10 years.

Incest does not merely mean pregnancy for which you can have evidence but also includes touching and verbalizing with sexual intent.

Considering that our law considers cohabitation for two years as marriage, why do you want to risk Chris with a jail term?

As already said, familiarity and not immorality can be that which puts Chris in jail. But events can turn ugly for you and even your daughter.

On YouTube, you will find a story of an elderly woman at the Langata Women's Maximum Prison who was sentenced to death for killing her husband who was having sexual affairs with their daughters.

It is not hard to imagine a scenario that can cause you a fit of anger that would later put you on death row or a lifetime in jail. It's also easy to see how your daughter can be an accomplice in the crime and suffer a similar fate.

Kindly note a lot of people who commit heinous crimes are not essentially bad. They just find themselves in some unexpected circumstance.

Anne, stop looking for any other evidence of the sexual assault than your daughter's word. If she is lying, and she could be, it tells you she is unhappy with you dating Chris and bringing him home or she could have a sexual interest in him.

Whatever the case it is a love triangle, real or imagined, whose consequences are not worth the risk. Finally, if you do not leave Chris today, make sure you no longer bring him to your house, which is also your daughter's space.

I am reluctant to suggest that your daughter should move out, to a country where there are no government social security mechanisms appropriate for her.

If you leave Chris, ensure that when you get another boyfriend you are very early in time to state that you have a daughter and therefore he is her father.