Unhappy in bed: Is there a way to rekindle the flame?

 Hi Chris,

When my husband and I started our relationship, everything felt spontaneous and unpredictable. Including how we made love.

But as all the excitement gradually died down and the children came along, somehow sex slowly but surely became more like just another of the household chores. Do not get me wrong, I still love my man.

But I would like things to be a little less dull in the bedroom! Somehow his approach is always so predictable, and there is never anything new in our routine. Is there any way we can rekindle that early excitement, or will things stay this way forever?

Boring

Chris says,

Hi Boring!

There is no reason why a couple cannot be deliriously happy in bed throughout their entire lives together. But to get that you will have to start talking about what you want, and become willing to take the lead!

Traditionally it is usually the man who takes the initiative of course, though not always. Women have always been taught to develop their desirability rather than their desire.

And you are probably afraid of being thought too forward. Somehow you just do not feel able to be assertive. So you might snuggle up a bit, but you never actually say what you want. Deep down you fear rejection, and so you stay unsatisfied.

More often than not, this all started with how you were treated as a child. Perhaps you were taught not to expect too much? Were the facts of life something that was only ever talked about in whispers in your family? Or not at all?

An upbringing like that can make it hard to say, “I want you, and I want you now!” Meanwhile, your partner is wishing you would say what you want. He would like to be pursued once in a while. He wants to feel your desire. Because always taking the lead in a relationship is very lonely. He is probably afraid you find him unattractive because if he does not ask, nothing ever happens.

Do you want to change? Start by thinking about how your childhood might be holding you back. And identify a positive role model, someone confident, sexy and powerful, and imagine what they would do. Fantasise about being feisty, and talk about the idea with your husband. Chances are he Will be delighted.

Taking responsibility for your pleasure can be tough, to begin with, but the results will transform your relationship. So let your partner know that you worry about taking the initiative and saying what you want.

And talk about the things that bother you. Chances are he has never even noticed them. And do not worry. The first couple of times you take the lead will be scary. But once you have broken the ice you will find your desire will grow beyond your wildest dreams. And life will never be the same again!

All the best,

Chris