Dear Mr President, here's how to win Murima back

As we speak, the people of Murima and the President are not exactly the best of friends. A while ago, the region was sulking in a corner while Baba Taifa gallivanted across the ASAL regions, waving at crowds and commissioning boreholes. No hard feelings, of course. They are Kenyans too. But let’s not pretend, Murima people won’t mind being in good books with the State House. They’ve been there so they know the taste of power and the distaste of its absence.

The Murima region occupied by the House of Mumbi is traditionally divided into four main blocks -- Murang’a, Kiambu, Nyeri and Kirinyaga. Each of them has a soft spot that when tickled, works magic. Here is some free advice to Mr. President on how to win back the restless region.

Kiambu may look cosmopolitan, but deep down, this county is a den of certified Wasapere. These people are about deals. Forget roads-sing about deals. One random market day, drop around Kiambu town, grab a mic, and talk about how gava is setting up a Deal Incubation Hub in Nairobi. A place where anyone with an idea—no matter how questionable—gets mentorship, seed capital, a nice suit and sharpshooters. Sir, you’ll be carried shoulder-high all the way to Thika Road.

Murang’a is the factory that produces 90 per cent of the city hawkers (future millionaires if you like). If you really want to touch the hearts of these folks, allow hawkers into the CBD. They can even sell their stuff outside the State House itself, shouting ‘shati mia mbiri’ all day. If you do so, these traders will name stalls after you. Some young souls might even tattoo your face on their chests.

And while at it, take a Saturday stroll down River Road, past the Nairobi River, and declare that the entire conclave largely run by Murang’a geezers a 24-hour economy. Murang’a crooners will compose mugithi bangers for you-trust me.

Nyeri folks have this deep, spiritual connection with their homeland. It’s not unusual to find grown men lurking around the Tea Room bus stage, sniffing matatus from mashinani just to catch a whiff of home. The solution? Simple. Make the train from Nairobi to Karatina free every weekend. Sir, you will have unlocked instant political immortality in that region.

Kirinyaga is famous for two things: pishori rice and dialects that sound like someone threw Gikuyu, Kimeru, and Kiembu in a blender then mashed the syllables up. These people just want recognition, sir. Promise them that Ndia and Gichugu dialects will be added to Google Translate and the CBC curriculum. They will not only vote for you but also send mama watoto a whole year’s supply of pishori rice.

Then you have Nyandarua, a place known for three things: potatoes, bad roads, and worse government attention. What this forgotten county asks for is this: declare ‘waru’ a national food. Make it a mandatory item in primary schools, GK prisons and governments offices. Do this, sir, and you won’t even need to campaign in that region. The people will do it for you, powered solely by their love for tubers.

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See, Mr. President? Development isn’t always about roads and classrooms. Sometimes, it’s about understanding what truly moves people—deals, home, dialects, waru, and shouting about cheap shirts.

njambigilbert@gmail.com