Of bovine politics, ill spirits and online trawls crawling under Prezzo Ruto's collar

President William Ruto, Nairobi Governor Johnson Sakaja and Majority Leader Kimani Ichungwa during a Mass at Soweto Catholic Church, Embakasi East, Nairobi County on November 17, 2024. [PCS]

I have no idea what Prezzo Bill Ruto was doing in Taita Taveta—save for his eloquent lamentation that some unnamed Kenyans are so critical of him and his administration—he even invented an idiom for this ilk. He called it “pepo chafu ya upingamizi.”

That’s a strange formulation applying spirituality to political discourse, but it echoes the early days of the Kenya Kwanza administration when it was characterised as God-ordained, prayed into power by special intercessors.

That was before some church folks returned massive offertory because they thought it was above the paygrades of certain givers, and they did not want to be considered conduits of illicit cashflows.

But again, that was before Prezzo Ruto ditched his political vehicle in the form of a “wheelbarrow,” the symbol of the hoi polloi, whose fortunes he declared would be a life-long pursuit to transform. Strangely, what has exercised his mind in recent months was the 30-year lease he gave to the Adani Group for the development of our airport to enhance the nation’s aviation capacity.

Airports are for airlines, not barrows, though in Kenya Kwanza’s inventive diction, one wouldn’t be surprised if they declared one airport terminal would be set aside for the exclusive use of “hustlers” riding on barrows. Pointedly, Prezzo Ruto ridiculed the lot against airport expansion had never set foot in an airport, unlike him who is widely travelled, at the taxpayers’ expense.

Prezzo Ruto’s newest quest is equally interesting. He has identified bovine health to be an existential threat to the good people of this republic, hence a nationwide campaign to prevent animals from making greenhouse emissions.

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Apparently belches and farts from bovines are not any good for the environment. I think “pepo chafu” conveys what Kenyans call “spoiling the air,” and those ridiculing Prezzo Ruto for this initiative should be reminded he is a PhD in something environmental or other.

Again, the ambiguity of his skills is not in any way intended to undercut his achievements, or sneer at his hard-earned title. As we saw in the media, he was riding on choppers to collect his data and prep for his academic defence, also known as viva.

I don’t know how Prezzo will respond to the assertion that Kenyans aren’t merely complaining about the procurement of jabs for the 22 million bovines, even though that’s a legitimate consideration, or even why those jabs should be administered now, not next year or the year after.

Some Kenyans speculate that the bovines are a test-case of sorts; once the animals are jabbed at a fee, dismantling their capabilities like producing biogas, humans will be taxed for the air we breathe. That’s double taxation for air in and air out.

I have some suggestions for Prezzo, going forward. I think he should avoid wearing ties in humid areas like Taveta, lest something gets under his skin. It would be much easier if one had an open shirt than when he is cooked up.

The second suggestion is that Prezzo Ruto should learn to relax. They say power has to be exercised, and if all we hear are expressions of his powerlessness, then what’s the point of staying on in a job that makes one so unhappy?

In that connection, since he promised that Adani was a “done deal,” and that he could vouch for their integrity, especially after Baba declared they were “cotton-white,” he has to apply something called “kaa ngumu.” That means remaining steadfast, even if Adani’s malfeasance is called out. After all, who can throw the first stone in this country? We’re all corrupt.

As for those irritants online who call Prezzo Ruto all manner of names, he should consider deploying the State machinery—including that spyware whose purchase is being canvassed in court—before all the beans are spilled online, by the youthful critics.