How to handle a controlling mother-in-law

Mother-in-law problems cut across all cultures and races (Photo: Courtesy)

Tips on how to handle a controlling mother-in-law from Jackie Keya, a blended family coach, mediator, psychologist, counselor & life coach.

Learn and understand why she is behaving the way she is – is it learnt behaviour through socialisation? Was this her experience with her mother-in-law? Or is it her behaviour as a person? Understanding this will give you clarity and guide your reaction.

Communicate to your spouse because you need their support. Without their support, you will be overwhelmed and feel rejected.

Remind him/her of your intention, which is for the benefit of your relationship/family. As you tell them of your concerns and frustrations, mind your language because at the end of the day that is their mum.

Talk to your mother-in-law. The truth is we are no longer in that era where it was deemed disrespectful to talk to your mother-in-law.

Therefore, one of the ways of dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law is to find ways to talk to her in a respectful way about the impact of her behaviour. You can make kind requests that will work for your relationship - do not forget to thank her for her input/support.

Do not alienate your spouse from their mother. Sometimes, it is actually us who make our mothers-in-law overbearing by isolating them from their children.

Minimise exposure. Do this by not taking it personally, because the truth is, if this is her behaviour/personality, she is not going to change overnight.

Therefore, you need to minimise the time you spend with your mother-in-law. Choose the topics you can talk about and avoid the high-conflict topics.

You do not need to say yes to every conflict you are invited to. This is because with time you learn the pattern/areas of conflict between you and your mother-in-law. Learn not to engage when you can see clearly, that she is going in that direction. You may not be able to control her, but you have control over you.