Is marriage this hard or is it just my hubby?

I am 21 and have been married for five months. I live in Kilifi. My problem is that since I got married, I have known no peace because we spend most of the time arguing with my husband. We cannot agree on anything and he never considers my opinion in any of his decisions. Even where he clearly makes the wrong decision, he cannot change his mind. I don't know how to handle him because with each day, there is an issue and he changes his moods after every few minutes. Is this the way marriage is? I feel so bad that he does not seem to think I can contribute anything in his life. {Gladys}

Your Take:

Gladys, it is sad that only five months into marriage and you are having serious misunderstandings. Generally, we encourage and advise couples to take time during courtship to learn each other well before rushing into marriage. You better discuss this with him early. It may resolve your differences.

{Pastor Ben Shikuku}

They say marriage is not a bed of roses. The initial stages of a marriage are usually characterized with what you are both going through. Remember you are two adults from different backgrounds, and so you may not agree on all the issues that come your way. During these disagreements, we learn each other’s likes, dislikes and many others. So take heart and know that these arguments will reduce with time. However, know that they never die out completely.

{Ouma Ragumo}

It is too early to experience such problems in your marriage. You probably got into the relationship without getting to know each other. You need to invite your pastor or your husband’s parents to help you save this marriage. However, remember that prayers can move mountains. Pray for your marriage.

{Fred Jausenge}

If you are quarrelling about this after only five months of marriage, what will happen later on in your relationship? You both need to see a counsellor and learn to deal with each other. He may be hiding many things from you and could be using his ‘do-not-care’ attitude to cover up.

 Investigate his background and the things he does for a living because you may be living with a criminal. Lastly, you don’t have to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of keeping a marriage. You have many years ahead of you and you deserve to be happy.

{Onyango Outha}

Counselor’s Take:

Gladys, I would like to know his age as this could help explain his behavior towards you. You are fairly young even to be in a marriage at 21 but since you already in one, we shall deal with it as it is.

You say you never agree on anything and that he never considers your opinion in anything. This could be attributed to several things which may include his perception about you, the nature of the things you argue about, his age as well as his level of maturity.

If it were things about his job or business that you cannot seem to agree on then this would be somewhat understandable because you may be portrayed to know very little about it. However, if this comes down to the most basic of things then there could be an even bigger problem.

It could be that you both come from different backgrounds thereby creating a situation where you may not see eye-to-eye on many things. If the issue is not about your backgrounds then it may be an issue about age and the probable age difference that may be between the two of you.

If he is much older than you then he is likely to take your opinions with some level of contempt. His thinking is such that you are very young and may not know much about things and as such he is likely to disregard your opinion on anything.

All these things do not make what he is doing right. In all kinds of relationships people should not only be respectful but they should also be mindful of each other’s feelings. This requires a high level of consideration for their feelings and opinions even when they do not consider them to be of much value. This should not be out in the open for all to see and should not be allowed to get in between people who care about each other.

I think you ought to talk to him about this and have him know what you feel. Sometimes people are blinded by their pride and perceptions about various things in life that they cannot see how these things or their actions affect the other people in their lives.

If you tell him how you feel about his then it will be up to him to consider how this is impacting on you and act. However, sometimes people get spouses that they do not see eye to eye with but this does not mean that those marriages are doomed to fail. When you understand each other’s perspectives about things then it becomes much easier to deal with each other. {Taurus}