The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Betrayal is the violation of trust and goodwill that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship.
Betrayal could be as a result of a broken promise, loyalty and faithfulness in a relationship or simply feeling that one’s expectations are not met.
Betrayal has broken marriages, ended long term friendships and also created havoc in families that become dysfunctional causing a lot of pain, frustration, anger, stress and depression.
Whether the pain is afflicted by a partner, good friend, acquaintance, family or colleague, one experiences a hurt that takes a long time to heal, while some never quite recover.
One of the most devastating forms of betrayal involves emotional and physical intimacy. A spouse’s betrayal of unfaithfulness is indeed one of the greatest pains that can be afflicted in a marital relationship.It is estimated that 40 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men will have an affair at one point in the relationship.
The breach of trust is devastating for a partner and results to distrust towards the offending partner. It evokes a volcano of emotions; shock, anger, rage, bitterness, fear, shame, guilt, devastation, disillusionment, resentment and intense sadness.
“I want to find happiness,” says Joyce “but it is fleeting ever since my husband betrayed my trust. Whenever I think I have healed and doing better, I wake up with intense anger and resentment towards him. Some days it feels like the world around me has simply collapsed.
I am devastated. I have lost the desire to live, sometimes I have suicidal thoughts, I have lost interest in everything and feel totally overwhelmed. My husband on the wedding day made promises to me. I feel betrayed.”
Like Joyce, many other individuals struggle with betrayal. Regardless of how they discover their partner’s betrayal, either through confession, information through a third party or simply stumbling upon the truth, this discovery will rock any individual to their very core.
It’s devastating and has the potential to destroy even the healthiest of relationships, if not properly handled. How then can one find healing after betrayal and remain emotionally healthy?
Generally, the first reaction one has upon betrayal is shock followed by denial: oh it cannot be true! Denial is the refusal to accept the obvious reality, acting as if a painful event or feeling does not exist.
It is considered one of the most primitive of the defence mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development, used often to describe situations in which people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth.
In many cases, there may be evidence yet the person will deny the truth because it is too painful to bear. Most defence mechanisms are fairly unconscious; meaning one does not realise or recognise the reality.
An individual’s survival depends on maintaining a certain amount of healthy denial. If denied, that anger remains buried in the unconscious mind slowly destroying body, mind and soul. Give yourself one good look at the mirror, be true to yourself and use a trusted friend, mentor or professional to debrief, explore and find meaning, acceptance and healing.
The power to continue the relationship is mostly dependent on the wounded partner whose reactions will determine the way forward, ending the relationship or accepting their apology and choosing to move on.
Choose to forgive, commit to work through the stages of loss and grief which I will discuss next week. Stay focused, live, love and thrive because you deserve it!
The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke
join