Dangers of having a favourite child

Growing up, Jairus Otieno remembers the wrath he and his two sibling brothers would face from his father. Not their last-born sister though. He was markedly different towards her.

He says it was distressful living under the shadows of their baby sister, who seemingly shared a strong bond with their father. For reasons that he and his brothers could not understand, he had a “special liking” for their sister.

“Before the arrival of our baby sister, we seemed to have a cordial relationship with our parents, but when Neema, our sister arrived ten years after our last-born brother, things took a drastic turn of events. At first, we were in denial that our father treated her with preference, but with time, it became obvious that we were living under Neema’s shadow,” says Otieno.

He says it was a pathetic and unbearable situation that they kept hoping would change, as their sister grew older, and they too, would get the same love, care, praise, and understanding that their sister was accorded by their parents.

However, as time went by, things went erratic. Then one day reality hit them – that their sister was enjoying being the golden child, a favourite child at their expense.

“My sister joined high school in a boarding school, and our parents were so emotional that she would not survive boarding since she was not used to that lifestyle, never mind that we survived it right into college,” he says.

Where they thought they would have a breathing space, and enjoy the much-missed attention in the absence of their sister, things turned out differently. All the attention and focus was on their sister, who had calls to the school, unwarranted visits, and other preferential treatment, none of which was coming their way.

Then their sister came home for the holidays. The joy, the jubilation, and “a homecoming party” comparable to the prodigal son (read daughter) brought reality home. The siblings protested, miffed that they never had this kind of privilege, to experience a “prodigal son” moment.

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“We thought this was unfair, and though we had shared sentiments that our sister received special treatment at our expense, we never thought that it was all about being a favourite child,” says Otieno.

Looking back, he says, they realised that Neema received preferential treatment from their father. It hurt him and his siblings so much, and they often wondered if people in other families experienced these dynamics.

In their adulthood, the preferential treatment still lingers on and has affected their relationship with their sister.

“Unconsciously, we left the duty of taking care of our aged parents to our sister because we thought that it was her duty since she enjoyed the position of being a favourite child,” he says.

When a parent favours one child

According to family therapist, Charles Mutiga, the movie-like episodes experienced by the Otieno family are not peculiar in many families. He explains the dynamics of preferential treatment of a child as normal in many families.

“Parental favouritism is the preference or perception of a parent for one child over another, says Mutiga, adding that parents often treat children differently based solely on qualities that are nobody's fault.

He explains that factors like birth order, genes, gender, and more sometimes lead to bias with potential reasons including birth order where firstborn kids might get more attention and praise for being responsible and capable.

The expert says while parents might be reluctant to admit it, it's normal and common to feel more connected to one child over the other. She says this issue may be impossible for some parents to avoid.

Lister Apondi, 32 years old and married with two children, reminisces of being a “golden child”, a third-born child in a family of five. “I was my mother’s favourite, and enjoyed being given preferential treatment, especially at meal-time when she would plate up slightly larger portions for me,” says Apondi.

This was to affect her later. She says her husband noticed that he would serve her larger portions whenever they had visitors, something she traced to her childhood preferential treatment by her mother.

Why do parents treat one child differently?

The expert says parents often treat children differently for reasons based solely on qualities that are nobody's fault. He explains that factors like birth order, genes, gender, and more sometimes lead to bias.

He adds that potential reasons include birth order, a scenario where a firstborn child might get more attention and praise for being responsible and capable. “Many times a child might be favoured because of their gender or being the “firstborn” or “baby” of the family,” says the doctor.

Is favouritism emotional abuse?

Dr Mutiga explains that blatant, or obvious favouritism is very different from subtle bias. However, he says, while both can have detrimental effects on the self-esteem of family members, blatant favouritism parallels emotional abuse. “Playing favourites’ is another way to describe favouritism within a family structure,” says the expert.

However, in some cases, displays of favouritism can become unhealthy and cause long-term damage to family relationships.

Mutiga says favouritism is not always an issue of temperament or interests. Parents may play favorites by necessity when one child has more needs than another.

Psychologist and family counsellor Lisa Wanjiro says some of the negative effects is that children often struggle with depression, anxiety, low self-worth, performance issues, and even suicidal thoughts as a result of favouritism.

“Such perceived parental favouritism has been associated with low self-esteem in children, as well as childhood anxiety, depression, and behavioural problems, including risky behaviour,” says Lisa, adding that there may also be a knock-on effect on emotional well-being that causes other, more indirect problems.

Being the "golden child" says the psychologist, can also come with pain. "You might expect being a favourite child to come with many benefits, however, it can also cause emotional distress for adult children," she says.

Clinically, she explains, favouritism has been associated with higher depressive symptoms for favoured children because being a mother's favourite child creates conflict in their favoured children's relationships with their siblings, and this tension with siblings in adulthood is consequential for psychological well-being.

It may also lead to an unequal burden later in life because when a parent eventually requires care from the family, they often turn to the child they feel is the favoured one. Also, she says, the experience of it can change subtly with age.

According to studies on the impact of favouritism across the lifespan, from very young children to grown children now in their 60s or older, there are differences in how it shows up at different stages.

Lisa says for younger children, favouritism may be more about how much time parents spend with one sibling compared to how much time they spend with other siblings. For adult children, it may be more about unequal financial support.

“However, the norm should be not to treat all of one's children the same as it is impossible to treat children the same in every situation, and neither do children want this," she says.

Children want to be understood for who they are, their age, interests, gender, and personality. Dr Mutugi says, being more self-aware can help parents avoid consistently causing unfair situations.

This is especially important as children may learn the pattern of favouritism, and later in life apply it to their parenting style and relationships.

"Unless we are aware and take action to break that transmission, we are likely to engage in the same behaviour," says the expert.